Things I blame my ex-wife for -CAN OF DR. PEPPER by Krisdake Vacourslon


Three brands of latex condoms.

Not being able to cheat on my ex-wife during a dream, even though I’m not married to her, and the fact that she cheated on me with numerous people.  

No left turns in New Jersey. 

Not being able to watch Ballet or Musical Theater without crossing my eyes.

Michael Douglas’s last line in any of his films.

Everything Plumbing related, including but not limited to drains. 

The time I took my car in to be worked on, and the guy told me to get the hell out of there because the new sticker on the back of my car said, “bunnies, not buddies”

March 1998- September 2000

Carpet Fresh

The words for “Help me Rhonda” by the Beach Boys permanently altered to “Help me Obama”, even though she didn’t vote, nor allowed me to watch MSNBC during the entire 2008 election.

Pistachio nuts

My fear of flying on any airline other than Jet Blue, which severely limits where I can travel to in the world.

Not owning any white gym socks

Not being able to trust fast food drive thrus, meaning that I have to always go into a fast food restaurant lobby, which immediately defeats the purpose.

Stupid coconut tree suntan lotion.

2:05 AM