It’s Columbus day, I’m not on an airplane, and there’s nothing more satisfying than proudly looking upon this Italian American answer for St. Patrick’s Day, highlighted by a not so nice man that traveled halfway around the world and claimed he was the first one to do it. In all fairness, anyone who traveled halfway around the world without knowing that he wasn’t the first one, was probably a bit crazy to begin with, so I’m not really buying the argument that we shouldn’t honor his accomplishment because he was mean. He had to be. How the hell do you do what you do without being mean? And the fact that he either killed or took advantages of the nice, kind savages that he met along the way is also not a reason to disparage him.
When Shakespeare was a Muslim, his mother came to him out of despair and asked him to write a story about a girl and a horse that had tragically been mistaken for a type of vintage French wine. The horse and the girl were not familiar with each other and had in fact never grown up in the town where their false identities were recorded. (cont.)
I’m old...like not-many-zits-to-worry-about-on-my-face because my face is too old, old. I get that, and I’m not bored or disappointed in this fact. I find, however, that when I place my old face amongst much younger, more zitty faces, that a phenomenon starts to appear in front of my not so bright eyes. I call it Yesappearing and it goes something like this. (cont.)
It doesn’t really make any sense to pursue the adjunct professor at a row boat rally. I mean what do you hope to gain? The professor only got that way by being practical, and there’s more than enough water to get in over one’s neck. I suppose that’s something to consider, but who wants to carry a life jacket through the rain? (cont)
It seems to me that the best way to get rid of all of the riddance is to make sure that the sale is not too complicated. Just stick out your tongue, aspire to make some jelly out of jam and be done with it. You can’t pretend that all of the things that you put down in order to pick up other things were that great to begin with. I’m not saying that we should have more or fewer arms, but there is an argument to be made for more pockets, which is why I’m trying to put together a way of folding over my clothes so that it appears more inclusive to the masses. (cont)
Insecurityis back in style and we’re building aRagazineright before your very eyes.
From our upcoming Rag, entitled “The Ignorance Issue”, we’re going to publish a new article every Tuesday from now through November.
Unlike our competition, (Vogue, Cosmo, Elle, Lucky, CWPaulaD,) we’re not afraid to tell you where to shop, what to wear, who to talk to, who to sleep with, how to sleep with them, and when to pee.
Beginning every Tuesday, you’ll have the opportunity to submit your photos and comments for that week’s article. From your images and unsure voices, our editors will assemble the World’s First Non-Virtual Lunchzine, InsecurityRagazine, We Know What’s Wrong With You
To help honor this most sacred and harmonious homosapien and canis familaris celebration, we are officially releasing THE ONCE OVER, the timeless tale of a children's book author who loses his way, loses his pet, and endures the burden of immediate success.
Illustrated by Leif Fortlouis, and written by Patrick Michael Denny, THE ONCE OVER is a children's author's story about one way to overcome writer’s block. www.theonceover.com