Tipping the Scales

ALTERNATIVE USES FOR YOUR BATHROOM SCALE



1. Soap Dish

Weigh your soap before and after to determine how clean you got/how dirty you really are.

2. Modern Art

Streak the remains of your monthly periods over it. Make sure you are making a statement or make it a continuous work until you finish The Change. Or are you marking a year of celibacy, ticking off the time until you have a baby? Do you only eat one type of food to see how that changes your flow? Whatever you decide, make sure to film it so you can also make a timelapse video of the creation.

3. Lighting Fixture

Use floss to hang it from the ceiling. Add to its sensory appeal by using both minty fresh and/or spicy cinnamon flavors.

4. Aquarium for Leeches

Keeps them handy for your bloodletting treatments.

5. Palette

Palette for mixing your make your own masques and deep conditioners.

6. Toilet Seat Cover

That way when you do feel the urge to weigh your ass, at least either you can’t see the number or you piss on it.

7. Sink

For the drain, cut out where the numbers used to be and make that where you can spit out your toothpaste and what remains of the local fair trade triple chocolate ice cream you just licked from the reusable tub it came in.

8. Pillow Rest when taking a bath

Make sure to take out any batteries first. You don’t want to contaminate your fancy imported Epsom or Dead Sea salts.

9. Mirror

Fix it to the number you want it to always read and attach it securely to the wall or still use it to step on. If you see it everyday and you smile, it’s like osmosis.

10. Bomb

Close any doors, windows or vents. Turn off any fans. Mix all the chemicals in your bathroom together. You may not even have to set the numbers to count down depending on what toxins you have in your cabinets. Either stay or run. Your choice, you Biggest Loser, you.

    Sophie Lee

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THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU...


Insecurity is back in style and we’re building a Ragazine  right before your very eyes.

From our upcoming Rag, entitled “The Ignorance Issue”, we’re going to publish a new article every Tuesday from now through November.  

 

Unlike our competition, (Vogue, Cosmo, Elle, Lucky, CWPaulaD,) we’re not afraid to tell you where to shop, what to wear, who to talk to, who to sleep with, how to sleep with them, and when to pee.
Beginning every Tuesday, you’ll have the opportunity to submit your photos and comments for that week’s article.  From your images and unsure voices, our editors will assemble the World’s First Non-Virtual Lunchzine, Insecurity Ragazine, We Know What’s Wrong With You

 

And why the rest of these so called Fashion Magazines are trying to take away your ink stained pages and replacing them with little electronic pads that don’t do the job, we’re going the opposite direction.   From now on, when you’re on the Ragazine website, you’ll be choosing a product that will be assembled from patriotic American trees, made in the USA.
On December 10, 2013, we will officially release
“The Ignorance Issue” on good old fashioned glossy paper.  That’s right, we’re going vinyl on our competition’s ass, and you get to be a part of history in the making.

 

Every Tuesday, make a date on your calendars to go to the Virtual Lunchzine that isn’t afraid to tell it like it is and wants you to be a part of our national insecurities.  Over the next few months, we’ll be building out our website with more things for you to worry about.  Please don’t hesitate to tell us what you think we’re doing wrong, because we already know what’s wrong with you… and your friends, so make sure you let them know about us as well.  
So head on over to the website and start uploading your insecurities.  It’s our commitment to you that we will always be there to judge them, one image at a time.

FROM THE EDITOR

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE FOLKS HERE AT THE RAGAZINE.



It’s been an interesting fall at best, and I think that I learned something about trust, friendship, and the deep dark chasm in between.

If you remember from our last periodical, I had just rallied the troops to put together the Vacation Issue.  It was a huge success and plans were underway for our Fitness Issue. Luckily, I was able to hire some old friends to come work for me.  Needless to say, things didn’t work out as I had hoped.  The only good thing that has come out of the past few months, is the dedication, love, and support of my biggest fan, my husband Robert.

When I was much younger my friends and I were on the same page.  We worked long hours, drank long cocktails, and spent endless days keeping each other company.  None of us had money, aspirations, or egos. It’s the same type of spirit that I’ve been fostering here at the Ragazine.  At our first meeting, I informed everyone that I was their boss,  I was going to make their life miserable, and the only thing in the world that was going to make things more manageable was their friendship and support for one another.  I felt it important at the time to force my staff to become friends, and in doing so, create a better Ragazine for you all of you.

Normally, when I give this speech, there are a few individuals who aren’t willing to give it a chance, and end up leaving immediately for the unemployment line.  In most cases, it’s usually someone from the I.T. part of the company, and in this case, my web programmer and web designer both vacated their positions, allowing me to hire two friends from my past.   I won’t bore you with the details, but I don’t think that we’re going to be exchanging Holiday wreaths this year, or any year from now on.  After a short time, it was evident that the situation was not going to work out, and that I needed to let them go.  It was the hardest thing that I have ever done, and it took me almost four months to find the right words.  Luckily, I’m married to a man who is both caring and concise, and was able to quickly phrase what I had been agonizing over, week in and week out.  For those of you in my situation, might I offer a bit of advice… don’t be afraid to ask for help. 

Anyway, I’ve gone on and on and not properly introduced this month’s theme, Fitness.  That’s right ladies, it’s the 80’s again, and it’s time to get buff and beautiful for the New Year.  Instead of going for that easy Olivia Newton John look, however, we decided to go way back in the time machine and remind you of a period where fitting into a corset was far more difficult than doing a couple of jumping jacks.  That’s right, it’s the 1880’s and you had better get a move on if you want to stay ahead of the caste set.  So lay down, take off your bonnets and share your holidays with those who truly love you.

    MELANIE WORTHIAM

    EDITOR IN CHIEF INSECURITY RAGAZINE

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DRUNK’S MORE FUN

A Holiday Guide



It’s the most wonderful time of the year… again. Christmas carols are playing from every loudspeaker within earshot, and elderly relatives are already calling to see what you want and what they should cook. Your boss is grumpily wondering if Christmas Day is a “real holiday” and asking HR if they can deduct everyone a vacation day. Your sister has once again dictated everyone’s holiday plans by scheduling Christmas Eve at her house, which she gets away with every year because she asks everyone in July, and nobody can think up a good excuse fast enough. (I’m ready for her next year though. Toe surgery scheduled for Christmas Eve 2012. Bring it on sis!)

It’s a crying shame that what used to be a beautiful, happy, giving time of year has morphed into a stressful, commercial, going-into-debt, refill-your-Xanax time. I yearn to return to the carefree Christmases of my youth, and after much experimentation, have decided that the solution is very simple: alcohol. Not falling down drunk, and not unable to function, and not getting fired, but finding that sweet spot of having just enough juice in your system every day to make it through the holidays without having a nervous breakdown.

Below are some of my favorite holiday standbys for you to enjoy

The Day after Thanksgiving This is an easy one. Plan a post-Thanksgiving brunch with loads of Bloody Marys. (If you find yourself going shopping or uttering the words “Black Friday” – you’ve had too much.)

November 26th Still technically Thanksgiving weekend. Turkey leftovers go great with pilsner.

November 27th There has to be some kind of sports on the tube, right? True Americans wouldn’t do this without Bud Light and nachos handy.

November 28th Find a group of people who didn’t see you over Thanksgiving and propose a Happy Hour Monday to recover from all those relatives. (I mean, we all have a racist cousin, yes?)

November 29th Rent’s due! Find a few friendly neighbors and down a jello shot for every day you plan on paying late.

November 30th Wine tasting at the local liquor store. It’s important to sample a few before making holiday purchases.

December 1st Go back to liquor store a buy a few bottles of your favorite tasting. Crack one open to sample with dinner to make sure they gave you the right one.

December 2nd Allow yourself to be talked into sneaking out of work early to go to Darts Night with the “Gang”. Try to forget how boring The Gang is.

December 3rd   Hair of the Dog to recover from boring Darts Night.

December 6th St. Nick’s Day. Have a St. Nick’s Day party and make some kind of punch. It doesn’t matter that nobody has heard of it.

December 7th – 9th  Find out that you have to use up the rest of your company sick days by the end of the year or lose them forever. Buy a giant bottle of NyQuil and call in sick.

December 10th Emily Dickenson’s birthday. Invite over a few former English majors (preferably ones who didn’t graduate) and have mulled hard cider while reading depressing poems out loud.

December 11th Post Emily Dickenson’s day… or was it Emily Post Day….Call your friends and ask them if this is a drinking holiday. When they say no, have a toast in

their honor.

December 12th Go to your local video store and rent every Christmas movie ever made. Have a marathon week of childhood favorites with anyone who doesn’t have plans (PS – Most people will at this time of year). Post a note in the lobby of your building or on Craig’s List if it comes to that. Come up with a drinking game involving snow.

December 13th While foraging around for lunch, discover an untouched 6-pack of Fezziwig Ale that your new neighbor friend brought over last night for your movie party. These have to be consumed in December, so get on it.

December 14th You discover simultaneously that Hanukkah is eight days long and about Manischewitz Buy a bottle immediately and make someone invite you over to their family Hanukkah dinner.

December 15th Is that cold coming back? Hot toddy before bedtime.

December 16th Anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. The recent political tea parties can help you make a real party of it. Call up your rabid right-wing conservative friends and

your left-wing hippie friends, and invite

them all over and spike the tea with something strong. Authentic Revolutionary War costumes is a nice touch, but firearms must be checked at the door.

December 17th Leftover “tea” for breakfast. You have a presentation to present on Monday, so this is actually kind of crucial.

December 18th Sunday Office Christmas Party. Need we say more?

December 19th Hair of the Dog to recover from Sunday Office Christmas Party.

December 20th Go to the mall around lunchtime without a shopping list and immediately get overwhelmed. Find a Ruby Tuesday’s and order some awful sugary rum drink with an umbrella.

December 21st Stay home in the evening and wrap gifts bought from mall trip. Sip a small glass of wine to keep from throwing rolls of paper across the room.

December 22nd Buy a Christmas tree and make some hot buttered rum to cheer you up while attempting to decorate it. Are the pine needles supposed to be brown and falling off?

December 23rd Last day the office is open. Someone there will be a bad influence and convince everyone at work to leave by 3pm and go out for drinks. That someone could be you.

December 24th   31st Everyone drinks from Christmas Eve through New Year’s Eve so just blend in.

January 1st   You made it! Make a cup of herbal tea and take advantage of one of the many discounts on gym memberships. You’re going to need it, because you can’t have done this right without packing on 10 or 15 pounds. See you next year!

    Doreen Canasto

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Don’t Let Your Baby Look Old!

Your Baby May Act Their Age, But They Don’t Have to Look It



Your skin is the largest organ you’ve got. You wouldn’t settle for looking less than your youthful best, why would you want any less for your baby? Wrinkles, dry skin, second chins can sneak up on you before you know it. Don’t let your baby look any older than it has too. Below we present seven  tips to keep your fourteen  month old looking four months old and as good as new.  Remember a cosmetician’s advice is not to be given preference to a real doctor, so be sure to check with your pediatrician about what’s right for your baby before trying any of these yourself at home.

1. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate

As we age, our skin loses it’s elasticity, this can be compounded by dry skin caused by dehydration. Adults should get at least eight glasses of water a day, babies at least 3 (in a pinch, milk) . Hydration can help skin stay limber, elastic and supple.

2. Avocado paste

Harsh, caustic diaper rash treatments can irritate sensitive youthful skin.  Pamper your baby’s skin with more than, well, pampers. An Avocado  or other vegetable scrub applied twice daily unevenly across the face and body with hands or spoons can help exfoliate dead skin cells and replenish and encourage new skin growth. It’s easy to overlook, but no less important to do.

3. Beauty Rest

If we don’t get enough sleep, it starts to show first in our face, then in our posture, and our energy levels. You and your baby should be getting at least 12 hours a sleep a day for proper beauty levels. If you aren’t letting your child sleep at least 8-12 hours a night, you are a bad parent and need to make an adjustment to your approach. Try turning the television down to a more soothing level and refraining from playing raucous music after 9pm. In most cases this should do it.

4. Caffeine Eye Gel

Sleepless nights take their toll on us all and for those rare occasions when your baby isn’t sleeping like a, well, baby - this quick Hollywood fix-up may be called for.  Previously an expensive tool available to only famous hollywood babies named after fruits and minerals, JavaFace Roll-on Bags To Go™ Eye Stick can now be purchased at any major metropolitan cosmetics boutique for about $30 an ounce. Be careful not to get it IN the baby’s eye, or let them eat it, but gently apply this under their eyes and it causes puffy, baggy eyes to virtually disappear.  

5. One Size Up

Dress your baby one size up, so they look like they’re still growing into their clothes. If you can’t do this with their whole wardrobe, try to at least make sure the baby’s hat is too big for them and keeps falling off. This suggest a more youthful appearance. Having a lean budget is no excuse for letting your baby look old!

6. PlayDate Older

Don’t let your baby be photographed with younger babies, only let them play and be filmed playing with older babies, so they look younger by comparison.

7. Plan B

At some point your baby is going to start looking older and acting older in ways that are unavoidable, at which point the best thing to do is to have another baby with the same name and take this one out in public.  

    Annabella Oreksya, Annabella Oreksya has no children of her own, but no shortage of opinions.

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WHAT IF MY FACE TRANSPLANT IS UGLY?

Questions Science Can’t Answer



The wonders of modern science never ceases to amaze me.  Nowadays we’re able to grow organs in fat people, visually repair people who have let age get the best of them, and most recently, perform a complete face transplant.  

That’s right, there’s now a medical procedure that will allow a doctor to graft the face of a different person on to your body.  Now you might be saying to yourself, “What would I possibly do with someone else’s face?  Aren’t I completely beautiful the way that I am?  Why would I ever want to stand in the DMV line twice in the same year?”  These are exactly the hard hitting questions that I asked several reliable sources who are familiar with the procedure, and here are some of the answers I received.

1:  The procedure is usually meant for people who have been in a horrific accident that destroyed their face.

2: This procedure is usually NOT what the medical profession calls  “elective” and not covered by every insurance company (check your policy).

3: The operation can last as long as twenty to thirty hours, which is as long as flying to Taiwan…and about as exciting.

These answers are all well and good, but there was one burning question that no one seemed able to address.  What happens if the only face available is ugly?  I know that by even asking this question, I may appear shallow, but it is you dear reader that I must serve. Let’s look at the financial, psychological  and societal issues that you might encounter when dealing with a below average appearance.

The first consideration when allowing an unworthy visage to be sewn on your body is strictly fiscal.  In short, it costs a lot of money to upgrade an ugly puss into a passable facade.  Ask any drag queen over fifty how much scratch it takes to get through each day, and you’ll hear a number that will make you gasp.  Luckily for them, most have day jobs to get them through the night, but how will that fare for you when you  try to keep up your appearance for at least 18 hours a day (24 if you want to have sex with someone).  Certain financial ruin is on the horizon of anyone who settles for a sub par snout, and so I say “buyer beware”.  

Although I could not find any shrinks specializing in self loathing brought on by unsuccessful face surgery, I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before Bravo has a television about that.  Aside from your personal pain, imagine the horror you will inflict upon the friends and loved ones who must now lie to you about your appearance and secretly carry the image of what once was.  Even old boyfriends who carry your picture in their wallet will be confused when they look you up on Facebook and double check their stalking facts.  You could try to put up a post saying what happened, but let’s be honest, who really cares?  After all, they didn’t name the world’s most successful social website, “I-used-to-be-pretty-but-I-got-mauled-and-had-to-settle-for-this-ugly-FACE-book (www.IUTBPBIGMAHTSFTUFACEBOOK.com).  

Lastly there are social mores associated with having a new face overnight.  Blame Hollywood if you want, but the fact of the matter is that every “body switching” movie that we’ve ever seen casts two very good looking actors to tell the story.  No matter how “crazy” things get, there’s never a scene with homeless people running away in disgust from a despicable mug and even a mother couldn’t love.  Imagine how people will react to you in the “real world” without the advantage of lighting and personalized soundtracks.

The advancement of power over the flesh is a truly a wonder to behold.  Unless, however, it’s performed with an eye towards fashion, it will forever be associated with that negligently antiquated  time when women would pinch their cheeks to appear healthy.  At least back then, it was their own cheeks.

Shawna Richardson

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BE YOUR OWN BLIND DATE

Dorothy Parker Was Wrong –Men Often Make Passes At Women Who Can’t See



It’s no longer enough to be aloof.  You must be completely unaware. How many times have you bemoaned the amount of work dating entails? All the research, the due diligence, the preparation, the investment in absurd makeup fads, the hours of getting ready beforehand for who-knows-what.  Wouldn’t it be nice if you could attract men with your eyes closed? Don’t just be carefree - abandon all responsibility, and have men flock to meet you. There’s nothing more irresistible to men than a warm welcome from someone totally unavailable.  We’ll show you how with these twelve steps to this eye-catching (and hiding) look.

What you’ll need:

8 oz of white pancake or eye shadow (resist the urge to use sparkles).

1 Black Liquid eyeliner or halloween makeup

1 or 2 Blue, Green, Brown or hazel liquid lip liner, eyeliner or halloween makeup.

1 tube foolproof mascara

4 makeup brushes (water color brushes or turkey basters if you have very large eyes)

STEPS

1) Call a friend or your “wingman” best gal friend over; this is a look that’s hard to get and give yourself.

2) Put on the “Lady From Ipanema” or other popular standard to get you in the mood to go clubbing.

3) Applying white makeup liberally to a brush,  gently, very gently, apply it to your friend’s eyelids from the tip of the upper lash to the eyebrow bone (just under the eyebrow).



4) Using a different color for the “iris” apply an eye pigment of your choice -blue or green pictured-, or brown in a circle in the center of your closed (!) eyelid. Fill in the circle.

5) Using the third brush add a light amount of black eyeliner to it and draw a circle around the “iris”.

6) Still using the black eyeliner, line the edge of the area of the eyelids you have painted white.

7) Continuing with the black eyeliner put a dot in the center of the “iris” to form the faux pupil.

8) Optionally add black “lashes” to the top of your eyelid – three or so lines 45 degrees  off the line you put at the tip of your lid. 

9) Repeat for each eye, then powder, oh yes, you’ll also need powder.

10) After a moment to let them dry, switch with your friend. And with their eyes open (important!) have them repeat steps 1-9 for you.



11) Make your way (occasionally peeking) to a public place, bar, restaurant, cafe, nightclub, library or park. 

12) Wait for what may be attractive men to approach you in droves. Then open your eyes and see what you’ve caught in your net. 

Annabella Oreksya

A former model from Moscow, Annabella Oreksya does what she likes and wears what Europe tells her. And hopes you will too. 

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CRUSHING HIS DREAMS

It May Be the Only Way to Make Yours Come True



In a recent national poll of sixth grade children, both boys and girls were asked what they wanted to become when they grew up.  Impressively enough, a young lady’s dreams far outpace their male counterparts in both scope and complexity (glass ceiling beware).  Up and coming young women aspire to bring joy to the sick and poor, inspire their fellow man to do better, and to bring world peace to, well… the world.  We like to think that a major reason for this sharp rise in expectations is due to fashion magazines like the one you are reading now.  Where as women at one time only thought about nursing, teaching and home care, today’s youth are focused on using their wealth, influence and public personas to make the world a much sexier place to live.  But what about your dreams?  As the generation that bridged that gap between Madonna and Lady Gaga, what bag of dreams are you left holding, and more importantly, has your significant other’s dreams outpaced your own?

When the two of you first met, it was all very cute and playful.  You had decided to pursue a career in cultural linguistics while keeping up your modeling gigs to help pay the bills.  He was a down-and-out playwright who swung a hammer during the day to make enough scratch to keep you in silk underwear.  You two were very much in love, but as time passed, he continued to dream, while you did everything you could to hold together the life you created for him.  After all, it was YOUR apartment that you both moved into, and if dreaming that you’ll get to live in it forever sounds a bit meager compared to his most recent project to bring free shoelaces to inner-city kids, than so be it.  None of your footwear even has shoe laces, and how often do you travel to the inner city? Just because he opened up a small theater program there, doesn’t mean  that you should have to take a bus every time you want to see him.  We agree with you and have come up with some easy to follow steps to help your dreams make his dreams look like last year’s meat sweater.

Step 1: Put a time limit on both of his dreams.  

While he’s been out teaching poor kids how to recite Shakespeare and tie their shoes at the same time, you’ve been slaving away making sure that you’re still better looking than whatever scamp your ex-boyfriend will try to parade at the linguistics soiree next week.  In short, dreams are only useful if you can use them in the here and now.  The next time you’re alone with your beau, ask him to make a short list of what he wants to accomplish before he dies.  While he’s writing down his list of “what may be’s” make sure to attach some digits on the end of them and enter the entire project into a spreadsheet program.  A giant printout from the local copy shop will fit nicely on your bathroom wall and represents the  timetable he is working against.  Passion for his work is great, but you’re tired of telling your mom how many jewelry stores there 

are on the block.  

Step 2: Peer Pressure

Tit for Tat is an English saying meaning “equivalent retaliation”.  In short, don’t think that just because more people ask him what he does for a living, that you’re less important.  In fact, to prove this point, play this little game.   The next time he asks you to come to some hole in the wall fundraiser, invite him out for dinner with your richest friends.  Inevitably, you’ll all end up going to the most expensive place in town, and even if he’s able to keep up with the dinner tab, there’s no way he can afford to bribe the door guy at “Le Shra el Flek”.  With you in tears, and offers from your friends to pay for the evening, Mr. Impressive to the noble set won’t feel so bright and shiny that night when he looks at himself in the mirror.  Make sure to leave the help wanted ads on top of the bills; he’ll get the picture.

Step 3:  Start Taking Things Away

As a last resort, I’m afraid that you’re going to have to get tough on your young man and start removing the little things that bring him happiness, namely your money and affection.  Normally we recommend “rewarding” your partner with little gifts of encouragement, but this is not one of 

those times.  If he can’t see that his charitable work is making you miserable, then you have to make sure that your miserable keeps him from doing charitable work.  To start off, go directly to bed and don’t get out of it for three days.  Don’t talk to him, don’t watch TV,  and don’t even read Insecurity Ragazine (we know what’s wrong with you).  By the end of the second day, he’ll cancel whatever he has scheduled, and by the third day, he’ll be willing to swear off the entire world to make you happy.  Calmly take him up on his offer.  By separating him from the obstacles to your happiness, he’ll have more time to concentrate on you, and give you more time to concentrate on your newfound dreams.

Vikki Gruenloh

In a recent national poll of sixth grade children, both boys and girls were asked what they wanted to become when they grew up.  Impressively enough, a young lady’s dreams far outpace their male counterparts in both scope and complexity (glass ceiling beware).  Up and coming young women aspire to bring joy to the sick and poor, inspire their fellow man to do better, and to bring world peace to, well… the world.  We like to think that a major reason for this sharp rise in expectations is due to fashion magazines like the one you are reading now.  Where as women at one time only thought about nursing, teaching and home care, today’s youth are focused on using their wealth, influence and public personas to make the world a much sexier place to live.  But what about your dreams?  As the generation that bridged that gap between Madonna and Lady Gaga, what bag of dreams are you left holding, and more importantly, has your significant other’s dreams outpaced your own?

When the two of you first met, it was all very cute and playful.  You had decided to pursue a career in cultural linguistics while keeping up your modeling gigs to help pay the bills.  He was a down-and-out playwright who swung a hammer during the day to make enough scratch to keep you in silk underwear.  You two were very much in love, but as time passed, he continued to dream, while you did everything you could to hold together the life you created for him.  After all, it was YOUR apartment that you both moved into, and if dreaming that you’ll get to live in it forever sounds a bit meager compared to his most recent project to bring free shoelaces to inner-city kids, than so be it.  None of your footwear even has shoe laces, and how often do you travel to the inner city? Just because he opened up a small theater program there, doesn’t mean  that you should have to take a bus every time you want to see him.  We agree with you and have come up with some easy to follow steps to help your dreams make his dreams look like last year’s meat sweater.

Step 1: Put a time limit on both of his dreams.  While he’s been out teaching poor kids how to recite Shakespeare and tie their shoes at the same time, you’ve been slaving away making sure that you’re still better looking than whatever scamp your ex-boyfriend will try to parade at the linguistics soiree next week.  In short, dreams are only useful if you can use them in the here and now.  The next time you’re alone with your beau, ask him to make a short list of what he wants to accomplish before he dies.  While he’s writing down his list of “what may be’s” make sure to attach some digits on the end of them and enter the entire project into a spreadsheet program.  A giant printout from the local copy shop will fit nicely on your bathroom wall and represents the  timetable he is working against.  Passion for his work is great, but you’re tired of telling your mom how many jewelry stores there are on the block.  

Step 2: Peer PressureTit for Tat is an English saying meaning “equivalent retaliation”.  In short, don’t think that just because more people ask him what he does for a living, that you’re less important.  In fact, to prove this point, play this little game.   The next time he asks you to come to some hole in the wall fundraiser, invite him out for dinner with your richest friends.  Inevitably, you’ll all end up going to the most expensive place in town, and even if he’s able to keep up with the dinner tab, there’s no way he can afford to bribe the door guy at “Le Shra el Flek”.  With you in tears, and offers from your friends to pay for the evening, Mr. Impressive to the noble set won’t feel so bright and shiny that night when he looks at himself in the mirror.  Make sure to leave the help wanted ads on top of the bills; he’ll get the picture.  Step 3:  Start Taking Things AwayAs a last resort, I’m afraid that you’re going to have to get tough on your young man and start removing the little things that bring him happiness, namely your money and affection.  Normally we recommend “rewarding” your partner with little gifts of encouragement, but this is not one of those times.  If he can’t see that his charitable work is making you miserable, then you have to make sure that your miserable keeps him from doing charitable work.  To start off, go directly to bed and don’t get out of it for three days.  Don’t talk to him, don’t watch TV,  and don’t even read Insecurity Ragazine (we know what’s wrong with you).  By the end of the second day, he’ll cancel whatever he has scheduled, and by the third day, he’ll be willing to swear off the entire world to make you happy.  Calmly take him up on his offer.  By separating him from the obstacles to your happiness, he’ll have more time to concentrate on you, and give you more time to concentrate on your newfound dreams.

Vikki Gruenloh

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ESTRUS FOR THE REST OF US

by Anabella Orexiya

Men can be so clueless, sometimes we wonder how the human race ever got this far. How do we get that hottie on the jogging path, in the book store travel books aisle or frozen dessert section of the supermarket to notice us?  Or even worse, how do we catch the eye of that guy we’ve known for years, the boy next door?   I wondered this recently as I batted my eyelashes in my LBD waving from the parking lot to this man I had known since 6th grade, but to whom it had never occurred to think of me “in that way” in the 12 years since.  We’ve all been there, but what do we do?

Oh sure, other eras, other cultures, they had it covered. If we were living in Jane Austen’s England 200 years ago, all we’d have to do is flick our hand fan a certain way, and it would convey volumes to our many potential suitors all at once. A complicated but universally understood system of signals (like today’s emoticons, or what scientists call “eroticons”) existed to make the courtship ritual as easy as possible, with a maximum of discretion, and a minimum of embarrassment.

Even in modern times in one of the University of Austin’s popular nightspots or “hoedowns” all a gal has to do is tilt a guy’s hat a degree or two, and he’d sweep you off your feet, on to the dance floor, off the dance floor and off for a cowpoke.

Our grandmothers had it easier, at least they, once a year would have a “Sadie Hawkins” dance, where co-eds could straight out ask out their Lil’ Abner’s to dance before they wound up a Mary Worth.

But what if  the 1812 overtures are no longer popular. What if we don’t live in Texas, or if our main-man-to-be isn’t wearing a ginormous hat and Al Capp the cartoonist is long since dead.  

We must take our cues from the animal kingdom, says Dr. Veronika Rutlinger an adjunct professor of sociology and fashion at James K. Polk University in Bangor, Virginia. “No question about it, there is no problems with this in animal kingdom. But news is good, we too are citizenry of animal kingdom. Human males are apt to think in binary -yes/no- methodology, so the subtlety we enjoy in our courtship often is not enough to get their attention. We have to let them know in no uncertain terms we are ready to meet them.”

“What,” I asked, “should we do?  Leave elaborate chemical trails like the mighty ant? Release exotic scents like the four -toed sloth? “To get into his pants,” she dictates, “you have to get into these.”

Dr. Rutlinger  is referring to the new pant couture line she’s developed with American Pant Salon (APS), called Bonne Hobo CoolHot Coulottes. This line of Knee High pants and jeans – in traditional blue and acid washed denim, with reinforced denim yoke-flanks in bright fashion colors (Raspberry, Peach, Lime, Guava and Passionfruit) simulate the urgent sexting of the female Bonobo Ape, who’s flankflesh engorges with blood to signal the male. Dr. Rutlinger concludes, “Is not mixed messages. Is very effective. Get his attention every time,”  If she and APS have truly found a way to combine the efficiency of nature with the dignity of fashion, she could be sitting on a goldmine.

WHAT IS YOUR HAT SAYING ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK?

 By Felicity Tyler-Moore


Is my hat big enough? It’s taken women decades to conquer their insecurities about things like body image and shoe choices, but there’s one secret terror that has yet to be conquered. Not just confined to the Kentucky Derby, a fear of ho-hum haberdashery threatens to weaken even grade school-era social bonds, and can affect your chances for upward mobility in the workplace. “I don’t even wear a hat,” you say. Good for you, but not everyone is that confident…or cavalier. Let’s take a closer look at this bee(ware) in your bonnet.

While it’s true that people are often judged by the height and circumference of their hats, a new report suggests that you should pay close attention to what your hat is saying about you –especially behind your back.  In a recent study at Louisville Millinery-Polytechnic, 4,000 part time students between the ages of 24 and 78 were polled on their attitude towards the hats they wear, when, wheresa, and why they wear them.  Shown slow motion clips of other women wearing hats, participants were asked to rate the wearer using a scale of 1-95 on the following factors:

- Leadership

- Quality

- Style

- Grace

- Elegance

- Strength of Will

- Social Dominance

- Parenting Skill

- Upward Mobility

Only 12% of viewers rated small-hatters any different than people too meek, scared or frightened to wear hats at all.  The remaining majority revealed a correlation between hat circumference and social potency, with a surprising view that hat height had an inverse projection towards upward mobility. Contrary to views held by some naive hat owners polled, taller hats did not suggest to viewers greater corporate potential, in fact the opposite was true. “Tall hats are very much about overcompensation,” several participants wrote, “but wide hats imply social dominance and greater peer-reach.” This suggests that the wearer is confident enough to make bold fashion choices, and that potential rivals had better make way and give the wearer a wide berth.

Using dial testing a hat with a diameter of between 3 and 4 feet made a stronger impression than narrower (round) hats with smaller radii. “It’s only natural that a bold hat implies a confident woman,” adds Professor Simon Whitehead, “while taller ‘aspirational’ hats are just over-reaching, as well as insincere and ‘high-faluting’.”

The findings have larger implications outside of academic settings as well. An informal poll of business leaders in the Lexington area confirmed similar attitudes.  Jennifer Sisters, owner of downtown notions and drygoods shop, “Sisters of Shappo”, offered her insight. “It’s about wide shapes, but not tall shapes. Conical hats are absurd, but pie-plate and ovoids are strong power statements. Everyone’s got one and they’ve got to be big to make a statement.” Others noted now familiar trends. Fabrice Cloche of “Hats Off of Main Street”, (known for their Fruit-Knit ™ and TumbleWide ™ lines), adds  “Waxed paper hats are out and organic textiles are in. Organic fabrics that employ DayGlo inorganic colors are good individual choices that everyone should consider, particularly synthetic materials dyed in bright colors that are found in nature . Think cardinal reds and robins egg blues, aspen greens, and radium yellows…but not pink. “Pink can be too childish on tall women.” adds Sisters, “and definitely no sequins. Sequins are vintage, and vintage reads shy.”  

Opinions on the exact impact of different hats are wide-ranging, but everyone in the study agrees that if you’ve only got one hat, go big, or you might as well go bare-headed. How many do YOU have, and what do they say about you? And if you don’t know, you’d better find out. Ask your real friends what image your hats are projecting for you. If your friends won’t tell you, or don’t want to be seen with you, it’s time to get a new hat.

A bigger one.

 

RISE ABOVE

An abbreviated speech

by Joyce “Boxcar” Miles, Lawyer, Author, and Inspirational Speaker

Let me spin you a tale, fellow travelers, of a woman who found self worth, not through validation from society and its ancient ideals of a woman, but through working hard and taking control of her own destiny. Yes, women are still earning less than men in the workplace, still expected to stay at home with the kids, still looked at as objects of beauty rather than people of worth. But you don’t need to let anyone tell you that you are unable to do something just because you are a woman and just because you happened to be raised by hobos.

Yes, I was born with ovaries and found in an apple crate by a small gang of drifters thirty-some-odd years ago. Does that mean I’m supposed to give up? Accept my fate of riding the rails as a second class citizen? No! You get yourself up every morning, brush your teeth and scrub your back with the same oversized scrubbing brush, look at your reflection in the puddle and say, “I am a woman, and today is my day.”

People think they can keep you in your place, always a rung below them on the ladder. At Harvard Law, my professor assumed I wasn’t ready to take on a thesis that would upend a century old Supreme Court ruling because it was “too difficult for a young girl.” My thesis was published in several law journals before graduation. And when Old Tin-Strang Joe tried to tell me that he “ain’t lettin’ no lady sip his moonshine,” the very same ‘shine we had all chipped in for, I stood my ground. I told him he wouldn’t be drinking no moonshine if I hadn’t thought to sell that old crate of copper we found. And you know what? He poured me the lion’s share, and we sang songs ‘round the fire ‘til the sun did rise.

And women, how can we expect men to respect us if we don’t respect each other? If you see another woman struggling, don’t walk over her, help her up. When you make snide, backstabbing comments about my makeup it hurts both of us. Besides, it’s not even makeup, it’s coal smudged across my face from sleeping in the train yards. Instead, why not open the conversation with a supportive, friendly gesture by complimenting the pattern on my bindle, and I in turn will admire the cobbling of your Prada. As my fathers used to say, “Can’t start a stew with muddy water.”

Women, I hope you find power in these words, but always remember the real power is found within. Work hard at what you love. Take every challenge head on, be it a job interview, your child’s skinned knee, or a school marm who swore she’d give you a tray of biscuits if you cleaned all her chalkboards, at which you did your best. See, chalk is a tricky thing that leaves some deep marks in the slate that don’t always warsh off! Just the way slate is. And I know what I’m talking about. How do you think we mark our hobo codes on your fence post? That’s right, with chalk, which you’ll be seeing when I draw a big “X” so everyone knows you ain’t true to your word, Ms. O’Shaughnessy!

Joyce speaks at High Schools, Colleges, train yards, AA meetings, old barns, and women’s clubs across the nation. You can buy her books from your local retailer or ask Fiddlin’ Bill to recount her tales in song.

ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

by Virginia Baker

So I will never admit this to him, but the reason I chose my man was because he likes to assemble furniture. As far as he’s concerned, I’m with him for his talents in the bedroom, which unfortunately do not include picking up his clothes and putting them in the hamper. As for turn-ons, what really gave me the vapors was that he would assemble furniture all by himself. It’s awesome. It’s three hours of me-time, and all it costs is a kiss and assurances that he is my man!

Unfortunately, that was when we were dating, and as we all know, when you’re married, things change. You get comfortable with each other. Where as he used to assemble an entire bedroom set by himself, now he needs a helper for even the smallest things . Everyone can tell you how to jump-start your sex-life or rekindle communication, but no knows how to get out of building furniture with your husband.  Now before I give you the secret- avoid these traps!

TRAP ONE:

Do Not Offer to Read The Instructions- 9 out of 10 times you will still be assembling anyway. - ex. The six drawers of the dresser or a tiny door to the entertainment unit.

TRAP TWO:

Avoid Being The Extra Pair of Eyes- This primarily pertains to leveling the wall art or shelving. It might seem like an easy out, but odds are that he’ll need the most help to retrieve the hammer while he balances the nail, the wire, the frame, and the tape measure like a circus performer.

TRAP THREE:

Do Not Suggest Hiring a Handyman-  A word to the wise, I don’t care how much you think your man is out of his league when it comes to putting up that floating plasma TV arm thing, save the handyman card for when repairs are needed, and water is involved. Trust me, holes in walls can be fixed with toothpaste; water damage is forever.

TRAP FOUR:

Avoid Multi-Tasking- Don’t suggest that he assemble the furniture while you do the dishes, this will only work the first time. He will wise up to your “household chores excuse” as a way of getting out of helping, and will counter with the “that can wait argument”, which is true since the dishes haven’t been washed since the last time the dishwasher worked. (Note to self: call the handyman).

THE SOLUTION:

 

Listen up! Here is the fool-proof way to get back the man you fell in love with!  

Step one- Suggest that “We” put together the piece of furniture. After all, you have the power if it’s your idea.

Step Two- After you help open the boxes, grab the instructions and sell  him on the fact that you’re serious about your role in this operation.

Step Three- Now this is where the magic happens.  Right before you start setting up, text or email your sister, your best friend- anyone who you gab with for hours- and ask them to call you in ten minutes. By that time you should have him completely committed to opening the boxes and laying out the instructions.

Step Four- Once they call- motion to your husband that you’ll be back shortly.

It’s as simple as that- go into another room, chat away, or not- have some me-time for as long as it takes him to assemble the furniture. By the time he wises up, he’ll be determined to finish it on his own…just like the old days.

THE EAT PRAY SURROGATE


Finding Someone Who Finds You

by Laura Gardens

Work, gym, dinner, drink, TV, bed, repeat. I was spending weekends with the same friends, having the same conversations about the same people. A goldfish will only grow as big as its bowl, and I felt trapped in a shot glass. With a marriage in tatters, stuck in a career I didn’t choose, and no faith left to fill the hole in my heart, something had to change. Something big.

I took a cue from the trailer of the film adaptation of my favorite audiobook on my “must listen” list, and I decided one year: one year of finding myself, and I knew exactly where to look…

I was scared to travel alone, but as soon as you’re overlooking the Parisian streets, a tall glass of white wine washes those fears away. At least that’s what Amy, my surrogate, wrote to me in her first report. I booked my ticket without thinking of the meetings I’d scheduled for the next week, and I couldn’t get anyone to watch my Yorkie. And is it really so hard to defer Zumba classes for an indefinite period of time? 

A friend recently hired a surrogate to carry her child (the ovaries are fine, she just didn’t want the hassle). Luckily for me, one quick Google search later I found Amy, a woman who found her calling finding women looking to find themselves.



Amy spent her days walking through small towns in the countryside, exploring a culture rich in history that values long nights with friends, taking your time, and indulging in meals I’d only ever imagined (luckily Amy gave me detailed descriptions, yum!). Wandering, eating when you’re hungry, having coffee with strangers, time loses all meaning. In my old life, it was always go-go-go, on to the next thing, I never stopped to appreciate my surroundings. But when I finished reading Amy’s e-mail I sat back, closed my eyes, and for a moment I felt a peace and relaxation I hadn’t experienced since I was a child. Of course I had a lunch meeting to run off to with that bitch Margot, but it’s nice to know that if I had the time, I could sit like that for hours.

Next it was off to Bhutan, a small independent kingdom bordering China and India filled with Buddhist temples and travelers seeking a greater connection to the world. I originally wanted to go to India, but Amy had already been there. Sure, there were a lot more expenses and she needed to hire a translator, a Sherpa, and a trained dog for some reason, but this is a once in a lifetime experience! The sight of these grand temples with the Himalayas as background could leave you breathless. I’m pretty sure Amy must have taken a photography class, because I got every megapixel’s worth of karmic cleansing. As the monks explained to Amy and she explained to me, we are all connected, everything is one, so it made sense to spend a little extra for kayaking.



Last stop: Barcelona. Parties, drinking, making out with strangers and dancing until dawn, Amy checked off everything on my list (a spreadsheet I’d spent countless hours agonizing over with columns for my spiritual, mental, and physical awakening). Little did I know that somewhere between “touch a statue” and “learn to merengue” the fates added the name “Tomás” (I added him in at C42). Amy’s translations were rough, but she assured me that Tomás “encanta’d” me, and “quiero mucho.” I spent long nights dreaming of this pro fútbol player/salsa dancer/marine biologist and wondering why he needed all that cash. Our “fuego” burned bright and quickly, as I had to let Tomás go. He taught me how to love again, and my checking account had run dry.

All journeys must end, and after a long, eventful year Amy reached my “destination that was myself”, and I finally returned home (after a long wait in the Whole Foods line, I mean, don’t people understand the system there? For fuck’s sake it’s just colors and numbers. Is everyone a moron?)

MARTIAN MATTERS

How Martian Culture Trumped Our Own

By Shawna Richardsond

Have you ever looked up into the cosmos and wondered what was missing from your life?   Most women do.  Anxiety, depression, obscurity are all valid and self fulfilling prophecies when compared with our extraterrestrial ancestral lineage in the stars.  Although astrophysicists and cosmologists have worked hard to bring us the science behind Martian culture, there has been little information regarding the anthropology of this once proud people, and for good reason. As we are slowly learning, the accomplishments and grandeur of the “Red Planet” so far exceeds our trivial attempts at success, that many fear the comparison alone with Martians will drive this planet into such a deep depression that nothing short of a Worldwide Celexa prescription will save us.

There have been several clues about our connection with Mars, and the society that serves as a beacon towards our own.  You may have found yourself asking “what part of me is Martian”, a question often times covered up through religious practices, or the occasional fad diet.  Unfortunately, the answer that has come back is, “not nearly enough”.  In fact, our so called foray into Martian genetics points to a major flaw in our own DNA, one that government officials are wary of revealing.

Martian society for the most part was spectacular.  The passion, the fierceness, the artistry with which they approached every moment of their lives was only sustained by the tenacity of their desire to create and fulfill simply the very best that life had to offer.  Every Martian citizen could sing with such emotion and clarity that it would be constantly broadcasted throughout their lives to millions of loving fans who had nothing better to do than admire the honesty with which they harmonized.  Free thinking individuals whose complexity of thought and fairness of values were written and sent to all Martians, everywhere, over and over and over again.  Ideas were transmitted in short, succinct wording that made everyone laugh, cry, and thank the higher power for the many gifts that they both gave and received.  The ability to purchase and wear anything and everything from a thousand different shops located close to one another allowed Martians the opportunity to fulfill every wish and dream that their peers could come up with.  Tremendous opportunities to rate each others successes was only surpassed by their ability to use passion, artistry and determination to change their world forever.  Each generation was braver than the last, more intelligent, more independent, healthier, less troubled, and helped tremendously by little pills that could fix any problem they may be having. In short, Martians were everything that we are not.  They constantly enjoyed love and intercourse without fear or hesitation.  They ate without Earth’s gravity or gene pool to make them fat, and they never had anyone to blame for their problems, because there were no problems.  

After reading this, you may be asking yourself what keeps us on the “blue planet” from enjoying the fruits of our fair-skinned, galaxial progenitors?  What could Martians do that we can’t do right now?  The answer is primarily a biological one: Martians were able to consume their own feces.

For answers about how this sedimental fact played into Martianian culture, Insecurity Ragazine interviewed several social scientists from the Martian Exploratory Commission, previously a major division of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration before government cut backs in space exploration were implemented.  Hypotheses varied upon how the Martian’s use of foul matter mirrored our own, but the one clear cut conclusion arose out of the primordial dung:  “Martian droppings were far superior to our own.”

At first you might be taken aback by the veracity of these claims, until we examine how Martian manure was used.  Early in their development, Martians were able to excrete a much larger amount of sludge than the average human.  It wasn’t until Martian culture recognized the importance of this green matter and started to use it as currency.  Martian historians point to this as the Ordurous Aeon, or the golden age of Martian culture.  Once Martian waste matter was turned into cold hard cash, social mores and inhibitions were removed from the society.  Martians learned that their passion, artistry and desire to pursue the very best that life had to offer was only surpassed by their ability to purchase anything they wanted.  In fact, the more excreta they produced, the more things they could buy, and the happier they became.  Suddenly, time that had been spent thinking and planning for their waste management, was turned into free time where they could talk to one another and figure out what was wrong with themselves and fix it. The Martian’s ability to turn their crap into currency was the most outstanding turnarounds of interplanetary annals.

The final question that we asked from the experts, was “where did this utopian society go?”  The answer is not completely clear, but finds its roots within the biological realm again.  Most historiographers agree in principal that it was the Martians inability to continue producing such large amounts of silty cash that lead to their downfall.  Although most Martian documentation is long gone, anthropologists are able to determine that the production of feces fell from a record high of 80lbs per Martian unit, to a mere 1.6lbs, and happened over a period of only five Earth years.  Now Martians were not only egesta poor, they were now unable to produce enough feces to live on.  For several decades, the Martians searched in vain to find a sustainable food source that could also give them the passion, artistry and desire to live.  In short, it was the Martian’s need to consume their own excrement that lead to their demise. 

What lessons can be learned from these advanced peoples from the heavens?  Not any that we can see.  Failed interplanetary societies are a thing of the past and probably shouldn’t be examined too closely for clues relating to our own existence.  If you do look towards Mars, remember to examine your own failings before judging theirs.  It’s as one scientist put it best, “Perhaps if the Martians had produced more shit and taken better care of it, they would still be around today.”

REBOUND GIRL- THE SEXIVERSARY

Dear Rebound Girl,

I’ve started dating this girl that always brushes her teeth before we kiss, even if we are at a bar. She’s a really good kisser but it’s kinda weird. I’m afraid to ask my friends for advice on this one, girls or guys. How do I bring up this excessive hygiene and lack of spontaneity?

-       Tim

Dear Minty Fresh,

There are always things that are hard to bring up with friends. I have to pick and choose who I kiss-and-tell to, whom I cry a river to, and who I dance with in my kitchen. There are some friends who fall into all three categories, and there are a select few that I also share a bed with.  There was only one, however, that I shared a sexiversary with for years.

Yes, years.  

Now dear readers, there are no steadfast rules on how you celebrate a sexiversary, but he and I had agreed on the three S’s. There must be an element of spontaneity, there must be surprise… and there must be sex, a lot of it. One sexiversary involved catapults. No, not cats and rubber bands, I’m talking actual catapults. It wasn’t fifty shades of S&M, but I’ll let you use your imagination. So while there is planning involved with a sexiversary, it can be more of a jumping off point, (that time, literally). Soon after, we enjoyed each other off the beaten path…

A note about a true sexiversary for those new to the term. Unlike an anniversary, it’s not an annual event. He and I would summon a sexiversary when we were both simultaneously rebounding hardcore, and in my case, often from other rebounds. Now, we didn’t just summon a sexiversary to have an excuse to have sex with each other, nor did we lie about our pain. Instead we’d kiss-and-tell in great detail. We’d share proof that the latest “end of the affair” had been so devastating that a more extreme recovery was called for. Unfortunately dear readers, there came a time when I needed a rebound from rebounding on him.

What happened, you inquire?

Quite simply, he lied, quite elaborately. There was a reason why we never truly dated. Actually, there were several reasons. He didn’t have a track record for betrayal so this left me surprised and more vulnerable than usual because, sigh…I had let my guard down with him. I had trusted him.

I wouldn’t learn about his deception until much later, (thanks to google alerts), so my rebound from him was a delayed event, and thus much crueler with the revelation. No, he wasn’t rebounding during what would be our final sexiversary, rather, he was in love. In fact, it seems he had finally met his soul mate. His girlfriend, then fiancé, now wife, had helped come up with the idea. Also in on the plan were his friends, her friends, her boss, co-workers, two brothers, sister, dear old dad, and yes, even her Auntie Joan, (not her mother, may she rest in peace.)  As part of the charade, he shared with me their voicemails, emails, and posted messages, verifying the demise of said relationship. Why did they do this? Because I was to be his bachelor party, his last hurrah. Granted, I’ve been others’ final passionate foray before the big day, but this took the cake, the cherry pie, the whole damn bakery. Now the events of that sexy sexiversary involving a Swedish Chef and a Roman bath leave a bitter taste in my mouth.  As a souvenir, he didn’t take a pair of panties, which is a common, yet prized trophy, he took my toothbrush.

My toothbrush.

Are my bristles still caressing his enamel, or worse, his wife’s pearly whites?  Perhaps they use it to clean Junior’s crayons off the wall.

I’m not always honest, but I do advocate honesty. Is honesty always the best policy, hell no. But honestly, MF, if I was that girl, (and maybe I am), who is brushing her teeth before my lips and tongue touch yours, there’s a good chance that I could be coming off of a particularly poor rebound. My advice to you is to kindly tell me not to worry so much and prove that you want to taste the real me.

Until we meet again,

RBG

BEAUTY TRIALS

by Crystal St. Gibbons

When my good friend sent me a petition asking corporations to stop testing cosmetics on innocent, furry little animals, I broke down and signed right away. Why should animals have all the fun?

I quickly diverted my usual craigslist browsing of “missed connection haikus” (You: tall, gaunt, somber / reading Polish newspaper / taste my pierogi?) to find any trials I could get my hands on. With a few little white lies about my age, weight, and medical history my schedule filled up quicker than Kate Upton’s prison fan club!

Now, one year later, I’m sexier, more confident, and technically a government superfund site. The future of beauty is now! And I’ll tell you where we’re headed.

I began my trials with a new miracle drug that promised quick growing, thick, long eyelashes. Guaranteed to be better than any other drug on the market. Lupexiator™ worked miracles on my thinning lashes, as well as my previously unseen knuckle hair. The dates I went on during those two weeks had men staring deeply through the thick veils of my batting lashes, mostly to make sure I actually had eyes! The daily trimmings were a bit of a chore and also made incredibly painful by the nerve endings now growing within, but like the biggest nerds in high school, Lupexiator™ did its job better than needed.

Next was my foray into fragrances. Incorporating pheromones into perfumes and lotions is nothing new, but it’s difficult to distinguish the real charms from the snake oils. Husk™ by (REDACTED) promises both! As was explained to me by a suspiciously handsome doctor, snake pheromones come closest to those excreted by humans. If it weren’t for their fangs, venom, and general reptilian appearance, our attraction could easily cross species. No wonder Eve couldn’t resist that apple! Despite the solid scientific research behind it, and my multi-layered applications, the product failed to bring more men to my side of the bar. Though you could say I was quite the “charmer” at the reptile show for my nephew’s bar mitzvah. Sssssshalom! (Editor’s note: the writer did suffer multiple bites from the snakes in that show. The necessary anti-venoms compounded with the pharmaceuticals have caused large pockets of memory loss.)

And of course what marathon of pharmaceutical, topical, and deep physical cosmetic trials would be complete without implants! The wonderful facilities at (REDACTED) tucked away in the (REDACTED) Hills of Southern (REDACTED) headed by the amazing Dr. (REDACTED) have brought new life to my hips! I went from a flat ruler with no bumps for my junk, to a curvy hourglass filled with sand! And the sand that fills my voluptuous sides may feel crunchy and awkward at first, but like sandcastles, it only takes a little water to shape my shapely figure. After four months of physical therapy, I not only learned to walk again, I learned to strut! All in all, I give (REDACTED) four (REDACTED) out of (REDACTED) (REDACTED).

Watch out for these products and more at your local beauty shops, pharmacies, and black market alleyways. Just remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder is usually a shallow, sex-driven (REDACTED).

ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

by Virginia Baker

So I will never admit this to him, but the reason I chose my man was because he likes to assemble furniture. As far as he’s concerned, I’m with him for his talents in the bedroom, which unfortunately do not include picking up his clothes and putting them in the hamper. As for turn-ons, what really gave me the vapors was that he would assemble furniture all by himself. It’s awesome. It’s three hours of me-time, and all it costs is a kiss and assurances that he is my man!

Unfortunately, that was when we were dating, and as we all know, when you’re married, things change. You get comfortable with each other. Where as he used to assemble an entire bedroom set by himself, now he needs a helper for even the smallest things . Everyone can tell you how to jump-start your sex-life or rekindle communication, but no knows how to get out of building furniture with your husband.  Now before I give you the secret- avoid these traps!

TRAP ONE:

Do Not Offer to Read The Instructions- 9 out of 10 times you will still be assembling anyway. - ex. The six drawers of the dresser or a tiny door to the entertainment unit.

TRAP TWO:

Avoid Being The Extra Pair of Eyes- This primarily pertains to leveling the wall art or shelving. It might seem like an easy out, but odds are that he’ll need the most help to retrieve the hammer while he balances the nail, the wire, the frame, and the tape measure like a circus performer.

TRAP THREE:

Do Not Suggest Hiring a Handyman-  A word to the wise, I don’t care how much you think your man is out of his league when it comes to putting up that floating plasma TV arm thing, save the handyman card for when repairs are needed, and water is involved. Trust me, holes in walls can be fixed with toothpaste; water damage is forever.

TRAP FOUR:

Avoid Multi-Tasking- Don’t suggest that he assemble the furniture while you do the dishes, this will only work the first time. He will wise up to your “household chores excuse” as a way of getting out of helping, and will counter with the “that can wait argument”, which is true since the dishes haven’t been washed since the last time the dishwasher worked. (Note to self: call the handyman).

THE SOLUTION:

Listen up! Here is the fool-proof way to get back the man you fell in love with!  

Step one- Suggest that “We” put together the piece of furniture. After all, you have the power if it’s your idea.

Step Two- After you help open the boxes, grab the instructions and sell  him on the fact that you’re serious about your role in this operation.

Step Three- Now this is where the magic happens.  Right before you start setting up, text or email your sister, your best friend- anyone who you gab with for hours- and ask them to call you in ten minutes. By that time you should have him completely committed to opening the boxes and laying out the instructions.

Step Four- Once they call- motion to your husband that you’ll be back shortly.

It’s as simple as that- go into another room, chat away, or not- have some me-time for as long as it takes him to assemble the furniture. By the time he wises up, he’ll be determined to finish it on his own…just like the old days.

WHAT HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW...

makes the other woman more beautiful.

She’s always across the room, sitting on the opposite corner of your new big job promotion, or that great outfit you spent too much for, or the incredible story you have about your ex-boyfriend’s fall from grace at work.  It doesn’t matter what you do, or how you look, there’s always his lustful eyebrow looking over your shoulder, pretending to be in love with you, quietly scoping out another pair of legs attached to someone you could never be.  

Disheartening as it feels, take comfort in the fact that your man, any man for that matter, has absolutely no idea what he’s looking for, and the sooner you manage his expectations the better.  After interviewing thousands of men over a six month period, we’ve come up with a comprehensively short list of three body image tactics you should try in order to keep the spotlight on you, and only you.  

Are you washing the right body parts?

The most surprising discovery we made from our poll was that men do not wash every region of their outwardly flesh, and find it abhorrent that women expect them to do so. If you’ve ever thought that your relationship has some unspoken conflict, you weren’t far from the truth. Male hostility has gotten so bad over the past few decades that there are entire secret organizations dedicated to reversing this lavation of the masculine psyche.  When asked what the gentler sex could do to reduce this prevailing tension in their relationship, over 83.9 percent of men believe that if their significant other would simply join them in abstaining from complete ablution, it would serve as a significant bonding mechanism in today’s modern love affairs.  Below we have compiled the top five nether regions that you should avoid.

1 .Tragus- And you thought he never washed behind his ears.

2. Glabella-  Hello…Mcfly?  

3. Posterior Malleolus-  Technically inside of your skin, but try telling that to a man who won’t stop and ask where the closest gps signal is.

4. Philtrum-  If a Kleenex was good enough for his father…

5. Anatomical Snuff Box-  Yeah, we were wrong about this one too.

Are you eating like a baby?

It doesn’t take a scientist to know that the smoothest, most beautiful skin in the world covers the faces and hiney-butts of the babies of the world, particularly from the ages of eighteen months through three and a half years.  For centuries, women have thought that it was their growing age that took away their fountain of youth, when in fact this could be the furthest from the truth.  It’s diet, not sidereal years that determine how young you look. Children, as it turns out, have a biological aversion towards foods that rob us of our natural beauty.  Unfortunately, the practicing doctoral society, heavily subsidized by the food and drug industry, physically pulls these life giving nutrients from the gentle palms of our pre-youth, replacing it with saturated blemishes and gluttonous garishness.  A more comprehensive database is being compiled as I write, but we’ve assembled a short list of foods that children will and will not eat.  Our recommendation is to follow what comes both in and out of the mouths of babes.

List of food children eat (and so should you)

-Corn (and various forms of corn chips)

-Yogurt

-Hot Dogs

-Strawberries

-Creams of Ice

-Mashed Potatoes

-Ketchup

-Puddings

-Sugar Packets

-Skin (licked upon only, yummy)

-Juices with non juice flavoring

-Chicken nuggets

-Balsa wood (non-creatin of course)

-Marshmallows

-Lemons

-Purple Grapes (6 at a time without chewing)

-Waffles with syrup

-Crayons (primary colors preferable)

What the kids aren’t eating. 

-Anything green or off-green

-Yogurt

-Soups of all categories.

-Anything prepared for several hours by an in law or distant relative.

-Noodle based dishes.

-Non-Nugget Chicken

-Cranberry Sauce

-Berry flavored Vitamins or medicines

-Kentucky Bourbon

-Non-mashed potatoes

-Eggs

-Toast

-Ham

-Sandwiches with bread

-Anything not on the dollar menu

Are you turning gray enough?

Our recent studies have shown that 92.5% of men end up with women over the age of 50.  What can you do to help land your man long before you hit half a century?  The solution is as monochrome as the question itself…Gray Your Hair.  For decades, women have been artificially flavoring their hair in order to entice the opposite sex, only to find themselves in a vicious circle of highlights and uneven pantones.  Questions of tops and tails served to only complicate simple pillow talk, as many women found themselves turning off the lights long before turning out their man.  Well no more.  With a simple two step, black and white process, you can look like your mother’s mother’s mother, back when a man was given enough time to grow old with his thoughts and a loving woman who knew enough not to ask what was on his mind.  No longer will he question what you’re going to look like when he no longer enjoys driving, flying, or starting meals past 5pm.  This simple reassurance of days to come will drive the boys crazy and have them eating out your homemade cookie sheet hands, long before you reach your sexual peak.

By implementing these three body image improvements, you’ll be sending a clear message to “Mr. Look Over My Shoulder” that he need no longer search the horizon for a woman that knows what he wants is something old, something new, and something borrowed, even if it is his smelly eccrine glands.