A Holiday Guide
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… again. Christmas carols are playing from every loudspeaker within earshot, and elderly relatives are already calling to see what you want and what they should cook. Your boss is grumpily wondering if Christmas Day is a “real holiday” and asking HR if they can deduct everyone a vacation day. Your sister has once again dictated everyone’s holiday plans by scheduling Christmas Eve at her house, which she gets away with every year because she asks everyone in July, and nobody can think up a good excuse fast enough. (I’m ready for her next year though. Toe surgery scheduled for Christmas Eve 2012. Bring it on sis!)
It’s a crying shame that what used to be a beautiful, happy, giving time of year has morphed into a stressful, commercial, going-into-debt, refill-your-Xanax time. I yearn to return to the carefree Christmases of my youth, and after much experimentation, have decided that the solution is very simple: alcohol. Not falling down drunk, and not unable to function, and not getting fired, but finding that sweet spot of having just enough juice in your system every day to make it through the holidays without having a nervous breakdown.
Below are some of my favorite holiday standbys for you to enjoy
The Day after Thanksgiving This is an easy one. Plan a post-Thanksgiving brunch with loads of Bloody Marys. (If you find yourself going shopping or uttering the words “Black Friday” – you’ve had too much.)
November 26th Still technically Thanksgiving weekend. Turkey leftovers go great with pilsner.
November 27th There has to be some kind of sports on the tube, right? True Americans wouldn’t do this without Bud Light and nachos handy.
November 28th Find a group of people who didn’t see you over Thanksgiving and propose a Happy Hour Monday to recover from all those relatives. (I mean, we all have a racist cousin, yes?)
November 29th Rent’s due! Find a few friendly neighbors and down a jello shot for every day you plan on paying late.
November 30th Wine tasting at the local liquor store. It’s important to sample a few before making holiday purchases.
December 1st Go back to liquor store a buy a few bottles of your favorite tasting. Crack one open to sample with dinner to make sure they gave you the right one.
December 2nd Allow yourself to be talked into sneaking out of work early to go to Darts Night with the “Gang”. Try to forget how boring The Gang is.
December 3rd Hair of the Dog to recover from boring Darts Night.
December 6th St. Nick’s Day. Have a St. Nick’s Day party and make some kind of punch. It doesn’t matter that nobody has heard of it.
December 7th – 9th Find out that you have to use up the rest of your company sick days by the end of the year or lose them forever. Buy a giant bottle of NyQuil and call in sick.
December 10th Emily Dickenson’s birthday. Invite over a few former English majors (preferably ones who didn’t graduate) and have mulled hard cider while reading depressing poems out loud.
December 11th Post Emily Dickenson’s day… or was it Emily Post Day….Call your friends and ask them if this is a drinking holiday. When they say no, have a toast in
December 12th Go to your local video store and rent every Christmas movie ever made. Have a marathon week of childhood favorites with anyone who doesn’t have plans (PS – Most people will at this time of year). Post a note in the lobby of your building or on Craig’s List if it comes to that. Come up with a drinking game involving snow.
December 13th While foraging around for lunch, discover an untouched 6-pack of Fezziwig Ale that your new neighbor friend brought over last night for your movie party. These have to be consumed in December, so get on it.
December 14th You discover simultaneously that Hanukkah is eight days long and about Manischewitz Buy a bottle immediately and make someone invite you over to their family Hanukkah dinner.
December 15th Is that cold coming back? Hot toddy before bedtime.
December 16th Anniversary of the Boston Tea Party. The recent political tea parties can help you make a real party of it. Call up your rabid right-wing conservative friends and
your left-wing hippie friends, and invite
them all over and spike the tea with something strong. Authentic Revolutionary War costumes is a nice touch, but firearms must be checked at the door.
December 17th Leftover “tea” for breakfast. You have a presentation to present on Monday, so this is actually kind of crucial.
December 18th Sunday Office Christmas Party. Need we say more?
December 19th Hair of the Dog to recover from Sunday Office Christmas Party.
December 20th Go to the mall around lunchtime without a shopping list and immediately get overwhelmed. Find a Ruby Tuesday’s and order some awful sugary rum drink with an umbrella.
December 21st Stay home in the evening and wrap gifts bought from mall trip. Sip a small glass of wine to keep from throwing rolls of paper across the room.
December 22nd Buy a Christmas tree and make some hot buttered rum to cheer you up while attempting to decorate it. Are the pine needles supposed to be brown and falling off?
December 23rd Last day the office is open. Someone there will be a bad influence and convince everyone at work to leave by 3pm and go out for drinks. That someone could be you.
December 24th 31st Everyone drinks from Christmas Eve through New Year’s Eve so just blend in.
January 1st You made it! Make a cup of herbal tea and take advantage of one of the many discounts on gym memberships. You’re going to need it, because you can’t have done this right without packing on 10 or 15 pounds. See you next year!
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