ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

by Virginia Baker

So I will never admit this to him, but the reason I chose my man was because he likes to assemble furniture. As far as he’s concerned, I’m with him for his talents in the bedroom, which unfortunately do not include picking up his clothes and putting them in the hamper. As for turn-ons, what really gave me the vapors was that he would assemble furniture all by himself. It’s awesome. It’s three hours of me-time, and all it costs is a kiss and assurances that he is my man!

Unfortunately, that was when we were dating, and as we all know, when you’re married, things change. You get comfortable with each other. Where as he used to assemble an entire bedroom set by himself, now he needs a helper for even the smallest things . Everyone can tell you how to jump-start your sex-life or rekindle communication, but no knows how to get out of building furniture with your husband.  Now before I give you the secret- avoid these traps!

TRAP ONE:

Do Not Offer to Read The Instructions- 9 out of 10 times you will still be assembling anyway. - ex. The six drawers of the dresser or a tiny door to the entertainment unit.

TRAP TWO:

Avoid Being The Extra Pair of Eyes- This primarily pertains to leveling the wall art or shelving. It might seem like an easy out, but odds are that he’ll need the most help to retrieve the hammer while he balances the nail, the wire, the frame, and the tape measure like a circus performer.

TRAP THREE:

Do Not Suggest Hiring a Handyman-  A word to the wise, I don’t care how much you think your man is out of his league when it comes to putting up that floating plasma TV arm thing, save the handyman card for when repairs are needed, and water is involved. Trust me, holes in walls can be fixed with toothpaste; water damage is forever.

TRAP FOUR:

Avoid Multi-Tasking- Don’t suggest that he assemble the furniture while you do the dishes, this will only work the first time. He will wise up to your “household chores excuse” as a way of getting out of helping, and will counter with the “that can wait argument”, which is true since the dishes haven’t been washed since the last time the dishwasher worked. (Note to self: call the handyman).

THE SOLUTION:

Listen up! Here is the fool-proof way to get back the man you fell in love with!  

Step one- Suggest that “We” put together the piece of furniture. After all, you have the power if it’s your idea.

Step Two- After you help open the boxes, grab the instructions and sell  him on the fact that you’re serious about your role in this operation.

Step Three- Now this is where the magic happens.  Right before you start setting up, text or email your sister, your best friend- anyone who you gab with for hours- and ask them to call you in ten minutes. By that time you should have him completely committed to opening the boxes and laying out the instructions.

Step Four- Once they call- motion to your husband that you’ll be back shortly.

It’s as simple as that- go into another room, chat away, or not- have some me-time for as long as it takes him to assemble the furniture. By the time he wises up, he’ll be determined to finish it on his own…just like the old days.