by Crystal St. Gibbons

When my good friend sent me a petition asking corporations to stop testing cosmetics on innocent, furry little animals, I broke down and signed right away. Why should animals have all the fun?

I quickly diverted my usual craigslist browsing of “missed connection haikus” (You: tall, gaunt, somber / reading Polish newspaper / taste my pierogi?) to find any trials I could get my hands on. With a few little white lies about my age, weight, and medical history my schedule filled up quicker than Kate Upton’s prison fan club!

Now, one year later, I’m sexier, more confident, and technically a government superfund site. The future of beauty is now! And I’ll tell you where we’re headed.

I began my trials with a new miracle drug that promised quick growing, thick, long eyelashes. Guaranteed to be better than any other drug on the market. Lupexiator™ worked miracles on my thinning lashes, as well as my previously unseen knuckle hair. The dates I went on during those two weeks had men staring deeply through the thick veils of my batting lashes, mostly to make sure I actually had eyes! The daily trimmings were a bit of a chore and also made incredibly painful by the nerve endings now growing within, but like the biggest nerds in high school, Lupexiator™ did its job better than needed.

Next was my foray into fragrances. Incorporating pheromones into perfumes and lotions is nothing new, but it’s difficult to distinguish the real charms from the snake oils. Husk™ by (REDACTED) promises both! As was explained to me by a suspiciously handsome doctor, snake pheromones come closest to those excreted by humans. If it weren’t for their fangs, venom, and general reptilian appearance, our attraction could easily cross species. No wonder Eve couldn’t resist that apple! Despite the solid scientific research behind it, and my multi-layered applications, the product failed to bring more men to my side of the bar. Though you could say I was quite the “charmer” at the reptile show for my nephew’s bar mitzvah. Sssssshalom! (Editor’s note: the writer did suffer multiple bites from the snakes in that show. The necessary anti-venoms compounded with the pharmaceuticals have caused large pockets of memory loss.)

And of course what marathon of pharmaceutical, topical, and deep physical cosmetic trials would be complete without implants! The wonderful facilities at (REDACTED) tucked away in the (REDACTED) Hills of Southern (REDACTED) headed by the amazing Dr. (REDACTED) have brought new life to my hips! I went from a flat ruler with no bumps for my junk, to a curvy hourglass filled with sand! And the sand that fills my voluptuous sides may feel crunchy and awkward at first, but like sandcastles, it only takes a little water to shape my shapely figure. After four months of physical therapy, I not only learned to walk again, I learned to strut! All in all, I give (REDACTED) four (REDACTED) out of (REDACTED) (REDACTED).

Watch out for these products and more at your local beauty shops, pharmacies, and black market alleyways. Just remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder is usually a shallow, sex-driven (REDACTED).