DUMBING UP

by Shawna Richardson

HOW THE FASHION INDUSTRY PLANS TO MAKE YOU SMARTER

Anyone who reads, knows of the massive educational burden that the world faces each and every day, especially in America.  As more and more of today’s politicians jump on the Schoolhouse Rock bandwagon, the topic at most A-Lister galas has turned away from environmental consciousness, and steered directly into the path of the “three ‘R’s”.  

Educationally challenged youth seem to be abandoning the progressive thinking and awareness of the previous generation’s “women’s movement”, and have focused all of their attention on producing unprofessional looking, multi-colored “selfies”.  This prevailing trend reflects the ever changing landscape of today’s society.  In the past, a less socially communicative fashion industry would have tried to pander to this new form of “less than idealistic age of anti-enlightenment”, but instead are taking a stand against it.  

Back in May, a rare meeting of the five fashion families was held, and the topic of stupidity in fashion took center stage.  Editors, photographers, models, and even advertising executives formulated a plan to fight against imbecility, especially amongst women.

Leaked transcripts of this three day conference show a seriousness by all involved to do away with what most perceive as a grave threat to the industry itself.  “Fashion is a celebration of the body as well as the mind” stated a well known magazine editor in her opening statement to the gathering of fashion’s elite.  “If women are no longer able to read, how will we influence them?  Fear, anxieties, insecurities, are all manifestations of the mind, and without a clear path towards the brain, we are doomed.”   One would think that fashion photographers might disagree with this hypothesis. but the meeting minutes tell a different story as one influential shutterbug took to the pulpit to expose this myth. “We all know that a  picture can tell a thousand words. but if the woman looking at it only knows six or seven hundred words at best, the photo’s worth will never be fully realized.”  The solemnity of this revelation served to unite the group on how best to attack the problem, and a “brainstorming” session was scheduled after the first afternoon’s light liquid lunch.

Several propositions brought forth were quickly dispatched, and a fierce debate ensued about proposals to increase the size of the magazine fonts within particular pages.  “Ladies, we need more words, not fewer” said a sensibly dressed copy editor who we will not name, lest she be singled out by billboard companies for her candor.  Another suggestion was to include hidden words within the photographs themselves.  This brought about a cry of “foul” from advertising executives who have been employing this tactic for several centuries and held the prior art and intellectual property for this practice.

Notes written on several cocktail napkins reveal that  on day two, perhaps the seminal moment of the conference came when the most influential fashion editor since Grace Mirabella, ascended to the podium and uttered the sentence that will easily change our industry for the next decade.  Succinctly put, she said, “Words don’t mean what they used to, so why not get rid of the stupid ones?”  This infusion of common sense thinking, along with several smart cocktails, catalyzed the assembly into passing a new set of bylaws that should bring in a renaissance to glossy coated pages everywhere.   

So what are some of the new mandates for upcoming fashion magazines?  We’ve assembled the most courageous ones below.

1) The elimination of so called stupid letters and numbers from all editorial posts.  This list is still being reviewed but as of today include the letter “Q”, the letter “U”, and the number “8”.  There is also discussion of obviating certain letter combinations such as “gry” and “aught”

2) The elimination of all rhyming words within photo captions.  For example, if a model is listed as “svelte”, there would be absolutely no mention of her “belt”

3) The inclusion of word definitions in all future sex tests.  In order to score a “Flirty Sexy, Not Slutty” score on the “Does My Boyfriend Like Licking Elbows” quiz you’re going to need to know the meaning of “triskaidekaphobia”

4) The replacement of all acronyms with pangramic sentence structures.  Good bye “OMG”; Hello quick brown sexy fox.

With just a few of these stylistic tenets already in place, the fashion magazine industry is poised to lead the world in both education and sensible shoes.  One can only hope that unlike a certain President’s failed education policy in this century’s first decade, the fashionista’s new doctrine will indeed make sure that no model is left behind.