ESTRUS FOR THE REST OF US

by Anabella Orexiya

Men can be so clueless, sometimes we wonder how the human race ever got this far. How do we get that hottie on the jogging path, in the book store travel books aisle or frozen dessert section of the supermarket to notice us?  Or even worse, how do we catch the eye of that guy we’ve known for years, the boy next door?   I wondered this recently as I batted my eyelashes in my LBD waving from the parking lot to this man I had known since 6th grade, but to whom it had never occurred to think of me “in that way” in the 12 years since.  We’ve all been there, but what do we do?

Oh sure, other eras, other cultures, they had it covered. If we were living in Jane Austen’s England 200 years ago, all we’d have to do is flick our hand fan a certain way, and it would convey volumes to our many potential suitors all at once. A complicated but universally understood system of signals (like today’s emoticons, or what scientists call “eroticons”) existed to make the courtship ritual as easy as possible, with a maximum of discretion, and a minimum of embarrassment.

Even in modern times in one of the University of Austin’s popular nightspots or “hoedowns” all a gal has to do is tilt a guy’s hat a degree or two, and he’d sweep you off your feet, on to the dance floor, off the dance floor and off for a cowpoke.

Our grandmothers had it easier, at least they, once a year would have a “Sadie Hawkins” dance, where co-eds could straight out ask out their Lil’ Abner’s to dance before they wound up a Mary Worth.

But what if  the 1812 overtures are no longer popular. What if we don’t live in Texas, or if our main-man-to-be isn’t wearing a ginormous hat and Al Capp the cartoonist is long since dead.  

We must take our cues from the animal kingdom, says Dr. Veronika Rutlinger an adjunct professor of sociology and fashion at James K. Polk University in Bangor, Virginia. “No question about it, there is no problems with this in animal kingdom. But news is good, we too are citizenry of animal kingdom. Human males are apt to think in binary -yes/no- methodology, so the subtlety we enjoy in our courtship often is not enough to get their attention. We have to let them know in no uncertain terms we are ready to meet them.”

“What,” I asked, “should we do?  Leave elaborate chemical trails like the mighty ant? Release exotic scents like the four -toed sloth? “To get into his pants,” she dictates, “you have to get into these.”

Dr. Rutlinger  is referring to the new pant couture line she’s developed with American Pant Salon (APS), called Bonne Hobo CoolHot Coulottes. This line of Knee High pants and jeans – in traditional blue and acid washed denim, with reinforced denim yoke-flanks in bright fashion colors (Raspberry, Peach, Lime, Guava and Passionfruit) simulate the urgent sexting of the female Bonobo Ape, who’s flankflesh engorges with blood to signal the male. Dr. Rutlinger concludes, “Is not mixed messages. Is very effective. Get his attention every time,”  If she and APS have truly found a way to combine the efficiency of nature with the dignity of fashion, she could be sitting on a goldmine.