When There’s No Fitting In

by Pixley Wadsworth

Ladies, it’s that time of year again! Kiss summertime blues away and look at new jean styles for fall!  There is so much variety this year you could kill yourself with choices. My assignment from We Own the World Denim was delivered to me at midnight, and I spent the whole next day submerged in my own Jean-a-thon.

I almost killed myself the first time I thumbed through a well- known popular clothing catalog (that also is a real store, a house hold name really) and saw all of their denim colors and prices. We all have $200 to spend on a pair of jeans, right? The styles alone for a curvier bottom like yours truly were just fantastique! (See? I am speaking in Franglais- I am so excited.)  In the printed catalog, the pages alternated from one page being in black and white  to the next page in color- just showcasing the jeans. That alone told me that the jeans were extremely different from each other.

Not believing my eyes, I took a trip to their flagship store to try on these jeans myself!

Here’s a taste of what is in store for you!

The Matchstick

These really recouped their name as I couldn’t get them up over my calf muscles!  Obviously my self-worth soared sky high when I thought, “why these are just oven mitts for my shins- in case I want to remove brownie pans from the oven with my legs.” No fire hazard there.

The Toothpick

An entirely new approach (and skinnier than the Matchstick), I could barely fit my toes into them. Then I had fun pretending to be a swamp monster with an extra two tentacles attached at the bottom of my feet. I even added sound effects. Luckily I was not escorted out of the dressing room (yet.)

The Pencil Denim 

The Pencil Denim skirt stands by its name in that your figure literally must be the structure of a straight up and down wooden board to get into this spandex sleeping bag. We all know that women do not have hips or buttocks, so you’ll be able to just slide into this number! I had so much fun not being able to move an inch in this blue fisherman’s net that I imagined being an upright sea creature hobbling around my little dressing room, looking for the sea again. I was asked by the sales clerk if I needed any help. Don’t I! Come Halloween, this is the skirt for you if you are inspired by upright whales.

The Pixie Pant

If sparkles are your nemesis than don’t buy these bedazzled capris capers! That is all I am going to say about these. My eyes hurt from staring directly at them for too long.  I could lend this pink explosive material to my four-year-old niece who wants princess curtains for her Disney Pets Dog House, but I think it would poison the pets. These pants would be great in a stand-off, because your attacker would get confused by all of the glitter.

The Calcium Deficient Pixie

These jeans, like their name, will leave a gap in your diet! They are filled with holes. I would like to say the holes were in demure spots, but they are not.  With holes so near my hoo-ha, who needs to flirt with words anymore,  I’ll just go into a bar and point to my Pixie jeaned holed crotch.  Because that is what sexy is, pointing to your pants parts.  These jeans would make a great dog toy come to think of it, since they are already shredded and so unwearable! These jeans could be the “after” picture of documented tiger attack- really reasonable and likely to happen.

The Meth Addict

These jeans are truly for that Meth head we all know- these jeans were so crusty and ragged that I am sure I detected an odd smell coming from them.  So put on your Breaking Bad chemistry goggles and yellow your teeth: these jeans will take you to the seediest part of L.A. and leave you there. No one will mug you in these jeans because you will look so down on your luck already. If anything, people will offer you money so that you go away and they won’t have to look at you.

The Where’s That Girl Jeans?/ I Knocked Her Down

These jeans were so tiny that I had the tall seven-year-old girl in the dressing room next door try them on. I honestly did not see her after that. She must have just blended into the wall. Her mother was not pleased. I believe it was right around this time that security was called.

The Beard 

Something that I have long coveted, even though it seems like it is trying to rip off the famous “boyfriend jean.” This style of jean is supposed to be more “baggy,” like you put on your boyfriend’s jeans because you missed him when he left the apartment and you are trying to be cute.  Unfortunately, it is still super skin tight and replaces the room in the buttock area for a roomy penis pouch—two things I know I especially shoot for when trying on jeans! This is a great cross dressing jean for all of your cross dressing needs.

So there you have it ladies! You think you are just getting the same jean year after year but you are not! There are jeans for Halloween costumes, catastrophic events, running away from home and becoming a drug addict, using sparkles to your benefit to confuse any attackers, jeans to disappear in, and cross dressing any night of the week, because let’s face it, we could all use a change of self now and again. 

Not only can we now squeeze our asses into these new salami skins, but we can also have that look that says, “I know, I need your hands— and a pair of pliers to take these jeans off.”

The maker of these denim styles also promised “…you do know when your butt looks great…”

Of course I do! 

I know my butt looks great squished into a skinny jean because that obviously makes it look smaller!

I also love seeing the word “butt” in print.

Instead of having any other style of denim to choose from, all women can now look attractive, as we reach for the pixie stars.  Jean wearers of the world (that is ALL OF US) unite! Let’s cram our asses into these beauties before it is too late! Because at SOME point, they will stop making SKINNY JEANS and we will all wake up to a nightmare of a wonderful variety of jeans for different sized and multi-proportioned women! Or I could just take my ex- boyfriend’s advice who told me, “you probably just shouldn’t wear jeans at all.”