KINKY KORNER

You submit them; we review them

By the Insecurity Rag Cinema Club



After a long hiatus, we are back. Thank you for your submissions- we were very excited to review your sex tapes. Let’s open a bottle of Malbec from Argentina and get started.

“1997 ARBOR DAY CELEBRATION”


PERFORMERS:      ELBERT AND AUDREY
AGE RANGE:        OVER 40
RELATIONSHIP:   WE GUESS NEIGHBORS OR CO-WORKERS
MEDIA TYPE:        VHS

We have always encouraged individuals to experiment,
to fantasize, to celebrate, and especially to record themselves doing it. With that in mind, we weren’t sure what ELBERT and AUDREY’S ARBOR DAY CELEBRATION TAPE had to do with Arbor Day until we Googl’d Arbor Day and finally discovered it’s not a Viking Holiday rejoicing in the whaling industry as we were led to believe. For those who also live on the East Coast, Arbor Day is apparently the holiday in which individuals and groups are encouraged to plant and care for trees. 

With that bit of knowledge, Elbert and Audrey’s Arbor Day Celebration turns out to be the perfect reminder of why we can never remember what Arbor Day is about, and why we celebrate… or why we care.

The opening shots are clunky, as Elbert struggles to avoid walking into trees while holding the camera still on the Audrey who has dressed in multiple layers of lumberjack attire. We are led to believe that they have been hiking for hours to a remote area high above the purple mountain majesties…until Elbert pans behind them to reveal the parking lot 300 yards away. 



Nonetheless, they are alone and Elbert spoon feeds Audrey some horrible questions to set the mood.

“So, do you love Arbor Day? How much do you love Arbor Day? If Arbor Day was a man with a camera how would you show your love?”

Which apparently was her cue to do a strip tease. The piles of discarded clothes looked like the bargain bin of Abercrombie and Fitch. Once she was au natural we could see that Audrey had grown enough shrubbery on her own body to help reforest the Grand Tetons, which coincidentally, her Tetons, although not grand,  did have some stubble around the apex. Now of course we’re not suggesting that everyone should get a Brazilian, but we
felt after watching this video, that we had concrete proof of Big Foot’s existense.

Soon afterwards, she got down on her knees, clearing the ground of pinecones, and “seductively” untied the drawstring of his red sweatpants to reveal black boxer-briefs with the gray elastic band. She smiled at the camera as she tugged them down, and then looked for his “tree limb”- not AT his tree limb- FOR his tree limb. 



As we have said numerous times, although the camera usually adds ten pounds, it rarely adds it down there, and to be fair, it was hidden under his rotund belly. It’s a shame that this was Arbor Day and not Groundhog Day.  Perhaps then it would have come out of hiding…but then we would have six more weeks of winter…and it would have shrunk smaller. (note to reader: Google Groundhog day and penis shrinkage)

Although we never got to actually see it, we assume it was there. Because of the downward angle of the camera, all we could see was her long straight brown hair bobbing up and down. In many ways, it resembled Cousin It from the Addams Family marching up the top of the hill and retreating down again. (note to reader Google “Cousin It”).

Thankfully, this was a short film both in length and in LENGTH because it seemed to take just three licks of his lollipop to finish the job. (note to reader: Google “three licks lollipop”) The rest of the tape was recorded with the lens cap on, but the audio didn’t suggest that they furthered the fantasy. In fact it sounded like they actually planted a tree for Arbor Day, (note to reader: Google Arbor Day.)