PSEUDOCIDAL COLLECTION

Tips on Organizing Your Digital Photos

By Cathy Innanel

Little did we suspect as children that saying “cheese” would lead to an endless parade of paper representations that catalogue our entire existence from birth on.  Unless you’ve been lucky enough to have a house fire, or some natural disaster that swept away your precious memories, you’re probably stuck looking at piles and piles of underexposed photos that have become the greatest burden of your lifetime.  With the proliferation of electronic picture taking, and worldwide distribution, it’s impossible to keep on top of selfies, besties and even those one or two shots that don’t make you look fat.  You’ve tried scrapbooks, clever computer programs and even hiring someone to curate the photo experience that is you, all of which have failed miserably.  Frustrated and encumbered, what is a modern woman supposed to do with her pixel prison?  The answer couldn’t be simpler, fake your own death.



What better way to find out how your friends and family will remember you than by seeing what picture montage they put together under the silky sounds of Iron and Wine?  How many Facebook slideshows and Flickr tributes will tell you which pictures to keep for your children’s children to look at?  Instead of spending all of your precious spare time agonizing about which wallpaper collage will work best with your winter’s solstice rant, let Aunt Betty do the work for you.  Tear-stained tributes and funny stories about your childhood will help define the narrative that has been your life.  Idle hands create the devil’s work, but grief stricken hands will create works of art that you never even imagined.  



There are a few downsides to the paring down of your fairy tale photo album.  The first is that this tactic will generally only work once, so make sure that you have reached your photogenic peak before setting sail into the afterworld. For good measure, you may want to schedule an extended vacation before you “pass away” and visit as many people as possible, allowing everyone to take pictures of you when you were happiest.  We have found that recent contact with the newly deceased gives most photo tributes that personal touch.  Another downside to your faked demise will be the alienation of all future photo takers.  This is not a complete loss, as studies have shown that most people don’t like how they look beyond the age of 28, with a large portion of those questioned admitting to not liking images taken after the summer of their twenty fourth birthday.  So choose a date wisely and have no regrets, there’s not much for your photo future beyond your fake death anyway.   Some of the participants of the early death plan have noted that multiple angry photo tributes followed their resurrection, with nothing but ugly, out of context photos gracing what was once pristine picture palaces.  At first this may appear to be a negative, but we disagree. Finally you’ll now know which pictures to absolutely throw away.