SEXNAPPED

Is Sleep Ruining Your Sex Life?

by Rebecca Rhodus



In the past, eight hours of sleep a night gave women sixteen hours to find the perfect mate.  With rapid biological changes and environmental shifts in our evolutionary development, some scientists are starting to question the age old “beauty sleep recommendation” and are exploring a new “awakening” in order to better our position in the natural selection process. What you consider to be a normal amount of dream time might actually be the very thing destroying your relationship. To gain a greater understanding of what we’re facing, it’s advantageous to explore where sleep falls flat on its face. 

NAPS

As good as they feel, naps are probably the leading cause of sexual dissolution in modern relationships. Aside from their distracting nature (try sending a sexy text whilst sleeping), naps are dissatisfying at best. Usually taken at a time too short to experience the full five stages of slumber, napping places you at a severe disadvantage over more aroused challengers. On a scientific level, sexually successful women are willing to trade their paradoxical stage of shuteye for your boyfriend’s favorite plateau phase of “getting it on”. Without proper planning and diligence, you might find that taking the occasional catnap will drive your man into the awakened arms of another woman, leaving you to purchase a cat to keep you company.



SLEEP BREATH

One of the great struggles about morning sex is the halitosistic hurdles that women must jump over in order to please their man.  “Before-Breakfast-Bang-Bang”, once held as the ultimate honey trap for future monogamy, is starting to come under fire. Studies show that men prefer their morning mate to be drool and odor free, no matter how good the coitus is. Women who sleep in are unable to address this foible of sleep’s curse, and therefore more likely to lose their mate to morning weather girl types, perfectly coiffed in the Local Morning News Television hours.  When your man starts reaching for his remote before reaching for you, it might be high time to trade in your R.E.M.s’ for Day-Dreams instead.



FAKING SLEEP

This is perhaps the most dangerous of all rest related studies. Aside from being a truly disingenuous practice, faking sleep puts undue pressure on your mate to perform the duties of two, fully awakened adults. Scientists are quick to point out that although pretending to sleep is a very common practice in young children, continuing this pattern into adulthood greatly reduces your ability to find and retain a productive partner. Historical data has shown that closing your eyes for extended periods of time can actually lead to “real” sleep, severely limiting your ability to give or receive sexual pleasure. More importantly, once a lover learns of his partner’s faking practices, a certain level of distrust is harbored by the offended party.  

To sleep and perchance to dream are sentiments that Darwin never dealt with in his evolutionary studies.  With our biological alarm clocks ticking louder than ever, it might be high time to decide if you’re going to be spending your time with your man, or Mr. Sandman.

PHOTOGRAPHY CREDITS: Teela Wyman