SEXY INSURED


Protect your Assets Before It’s Too Late

by Marisa Fiore

I recently showed my boyfriend a new spice rack I purchased.

He said, “that’s not the rack I want to see.”

I’ve got a nice rack.

It’s so nice that I got it insured.
My boyfriend got his mustache insured.

Are we celebrities?
No.

Are we rolling in dough?
No.

Are these special skills like singing or smelling wine that are instrumental to our careers?
No.

But my rack and his stache help define who we are and are therefore definite assets.

And they should not only be promoted but insured.

We protect our lives, our homes, our cars, our property, our luggage, our health, so why not what makes us sexy?

Even if it’s not what necessarily pays the bills.
Even if we struggle to pay the bills.

Choosing the right company is key, not only so you can sleep soundly without doubling your dosage, but also so that you can cash in when you start to sag. (Note: Sag insurance is an add-on.)

Without going to London and having a movie studio front the big bucks on your booty, your boobs, your gams or your grin, what do you need to look out for as you sign on the dotted line with a “specializing in sexy” insurance company?

You guessed it! The Fine Print.

Body insurance clauses can be worse than the contract at your local gym. Here’s where to shine your grandmother’s magnifying glass.

Survival of the Fittest

You’re going for more than the simple disease, dismemberment or death reimbursement that you can get from any ole life insurance policy. You are going for sexy. Sexy is both genetic and refined like caring for a bonsai. But sexy changes over time. You want a policy that will adapt with you not against you.

Die Young if You Have Fun

Young, single, smart and sexy? Take advantage! Discounts abound, especially if you are social media savvy with a bevvy of click-like-happy responsive followers. Post photos and hash tag with the insurance company’s name. Just be sure the photo doesn’t capture you, your friends or anyone in the frame, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, eating processed foods, eating after 7pm, eating more than 3x/day, engaging in unprotected sexual relations, engaging in sexual relations and/or kissing or dating more than one partner in a year, crying, sunbathing, staying up past 10pm, being awake between the hours of 10pm-6am, chewing gum, sucking your thumb, or biting your nails. Those are the basic no-no’s. Some companies have longer lists that include running with pointy objects, riding a motorcycle, shoveling snow, gardening or using power tools. Sound complicated? There’s a filter for your phone’s camera called Puresque Sexy. Search, download and install (worth it!)

Pimp Your Peeps

Refer a friend who signs up for a policy, and many companies will forgive your monthly premium anywhere from a few days to a whole year. It just depends on how uniquely sexy your friend is. You’ll get referral points that’ll raise your status to gold, ruby, emerald, sapphire, and these can get you discounts on workout clothes, vitamins, conferences and retreats. But first, get pimped by a friend or a stranger in high standing (wink, wink). 

Lie About Your Age

Companies will raise your premium with each birthday. If you’re paying a higher percentage than your year, say 28% if you’re 25 or 40% and you’re 30, then you’re being scammed. Negotiate or go elsewhere. Oh, and there’s no insurance after 50 unless you’re an endangered species. It used to be 38, so let’s all tweet some appreciation to J Lo’s buttocks and O’Brien’s bangs.



Family Planning

Each child carries a payment increase of at least 10% that kicks in upon conception with interest. So plan ahead! You can reduce that percentage increase slightly only if your post-baby body bounces back as quick as Beyoncé with the expertise from one of their in-network personal trainers. You may pay double or triple what you would with Tony or Tina at your local gym but you should still come out ahead. Just be sure to also check the fine print on the trainer’s contract. Some require a two-year commitment even though you were back to your pre-puberty jeans size in less than two months. My man and I are so not there yet. But most companies have monthly fertility charts as a downloadable pdf. There’s also discounts on basal thermometers with your points. You often have to ask, before they tell.

Don’t Procrastinate

Time is of the essence when you start requiring nips and tucks or treatment for an accident. You have 10 business days from onset to file a report requesting an initial consultation. You must get a second opinion 5 business days following the first. Within 48 hours you must post the two reports on your online profile with your company, along with bulleted statements about your preference. Your broker will review your claim and if everything’s a-ok, approve it. Then the broker will average the two bids and cover half after your copay and deductible. If they don’t cover half, don’t go with them. You are responsible for the rest and your broker will negotiate a payment plan with interest should you need it. Note: you may only receive treatment in the 5 mile-radius, city, country or countries you purchased coverage. Never go that far off the grid so that you don’t miss your window of opportunity. Don’t even bother going out-of-network, it’ll cause wrinkles. My boyfriend and I participate in each other’s daily sexy-insured checks and award each other gold stars and more…but the more is private.

Offshore Accounting

Open up an account with an approved bank in Switzerland, Hong Kong or the Cayman Islands as soon as you begin your insurance policy. Shop around for a good interest rate. I’m not allowed to tell you what I found.

Let it Go

Don’t want surgery? Pay a fee and you can get a pension once there’s no sign of sexiness to you whatsoever. The rules and procedures for approval are similar to pursuing treatment except you need at least ten initial consultations for opinions on your lack of vavavoom and not just two. 

Get Help

Hire a manager, therapist or life coach to help you navigate all the ins and outs, send you updates on your rankings and helpful affirmations like, “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.” My boyfriend and I use them as mantras. We often worry that his approved stache wash will cause split ends or my approved bras will puncture my breasts. This lifeline seer will also get your insurance policy professionally framed. Mine glows like sand on a sunny beach and my boyfriend’s erupts like a volcano. It boosts our confidence. We feel not only protected but invincible.

On good days.