Fashion

MARTIAN MATTERS

How Martian Culture Trumped Our Own

By Shawna Richardsond

Have you ever looked up into the cosmos and wondered what was missing from your life?   Most women do.  Anxiety, depression, obscurity are all valid and self fulfilling prophecies when compared with our extraterrestrial ancestral lineage in the stars.  Although astrophysicists and cosmologists have worked hard to bring us the science behind Martian culture, there has been little information regarding the anthropology of this once proud people, and for good reason. As we are slowly learning, the accomplishments and grandeur of the “Red Planet” so far exceeds our trivial attempts at success, that many fear the comparison alone with Martians will drive this planet into such a deep depression that nothing short of a Worldwide Celexa prescription will save us.

There have been several clues about our connection with Mars, and the society that serves as a beacon towards our own.  You may have found yourself asking “what part of me is Martian”, a question often times covered up through religious practices, or the occasional fad diet.  Unfortunately, the answer that has come back is, “not nearly enough”.  In fact, our so called foray into Martian genetics points to a major flaw in our own DNA, one that government officials are wary of revealing.

Martian society for the most part was spectacular.  The passion, the fierceness, the artistry with which they approached every moment of their lives was only sustained by the tenacity of their desire to create and fulfill simply the very best that life had to offer.  Every Martian citizen could sing with such emotion and clarity that it would be constantly broadcasted throughout their lives to millions of loving fans who had nothing better to do than admire the honesty with which they harmonized.  Free thinking individuals whose complexity of thought and fairness of values were written and sent to all Martians, everywhere, over and over and over again.  Ideas were transmitted in short, succinct wording that made everyone laugh, cry, and thank the higher power for the many gifts that they both gave and received.  The ability to purchase and wear anything and everything from a thousand different shops located close to one another allowed Martians the opportunity to fulfill every wish and dream that their peers could come up with.  Tremendous opportunities to rate each others successes was only surpassed by their ability to use passion, artistry and determination to change their world forever.  Each generation was braver than the last, more intelligent, more independent, healthier, less troubled, and helped tremendously by little pills that could fix any problem they may be having. In short, Martians were everything that we are not.  They constantly enjoyed love and intercourse without fear or hesitation.  They ate without Earth’s gravity or gene pool to make them fat, and they never had anyone to blame for their problems, because there were no problems.  

After reading this, you may be asking yourself what keeps us on the “blue planet” from enjoying the fruits of our fair-skinned, galaxial progenitors?  What could Martians do that we can’t do right now?  The answer is primarily a biological one: Martians were able to consume their own feces.

For answers about how this sedimental fact played into Martianian culture, Insecurity Ragazine interviewed several social scientists from the Martian Exploratory Commission, previously a major division of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration before government cut backs in space exploration were implemented.  Hypotheses varied upon how the Martian’s use of foul matter mirrored our own, but the one clear cut conclusion arose out of the primordial dung:  “Martian droppings were far superior to our own.”

At first you might be taken aback by the veracity of these claims, until we examine how Martian manure was used.  Early in their development, Martians were able to excrete a much larger amount of sludge than the average human.  It wasn’t until Martian culture recognized the importance of this green matter and started to use it as currency.  Martian historians point to this as the Ordurous Aeon, or the golden age of Martian culture.  Once Martian waste matter was turned into cold hard cash, social mores and inhibitions were removed from the society.  Martians learned that their passion, artistry and desire to pursue the very best that life had to offer was only surpassed by their ability to purchase anything they wanted.  In fact, the more excreta they produced, the more things they could buy, and the happier they became.  Suddenly, time that had been spent thinking and planning for their waste management, was turned into free time where they could talk to one another and figure out what was wrong with themselves and fix it. The Martian’s ability to turn their crap into currency was the most outstanding turnarounds of interplanetary annals.

The final question that we asked from the experts, was “where did this utopian society go?”  The answer is not completely clear, but finds its roots within the biological realm again.  Most historiographers agree in principal that it was the Martians inability to continue producing such large amounts of silty cash that lead to their downfall.  Although most Martian documentation is long gone, anthropologists are able to determine that the production of feces fell from a record high of 80lbs per Martian unit, to a mere 1.6lbs, and happened over a period of only five Earth years.  Now Martians were not only egesta poor, they were now unable to produce enough feces to live on.  For several decades, the Martians searched in vain to find a sustainable food source that could also give them the passion, artistry and desire to live.  In short, it was the Martian’s need to consume their own excrement that lead to their demise. 

What lessons can be learned from these advanced peoples from the heavens?  Not any that we can see.  Failed interplanetary societies are a thing of the past and probably shouldn’t be examined too closely for clues relating to our own existence.  If you do look towards Mars, remember to examine your own failings before judging theirs.  It’s as one scientist put it best, “Perhaps if the Martians had produced more shit and taken better care of it, they would still be around today.”

WHAT HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW...

makes the other woman more beautiful.

She’s always across the room, sitting on the opposite corner of your new big job promotion, or that great outfit you spent too much for, or the incredible story you have about your ex-boyfriend’s fall from grace at work.  It doesn’t matter what you do, or how you look, there’s always his lustful eyebrow looking over your shoulder, pretending to be in love with you, quietly scoping out another pair of legs attached to someone you could never be.  

Disheartening as it feels, take comfort in the fact that your man, any man for that matter, has absolutely no idea what he’s looking for, and the sooner you manage his expectations the better.  After interviewing thousands of men over a six month period, we’ve come up with a comprehensively short list of three body image tactics you should try in order to keep the spotlight on you, and only you.  

Are you washing the right body parts?

The most surprising discovery we made from our poll was that men do not wash every region of their outwardly flesh, and find it abhorrent that women expect them to do so. If you’ve ever thought that your relationship has some unspoken conflict, you weren’t far from the truth. Male hostility has gotten so bad over the past few decades that there are entire secret organizations dedicated to reversing this lavation of the masculine psyche.  When asked what the gentler sex could do to reduce this prevailing tension in their relationship, over 83.9 percent of men believe that if their significant other would simply join them in abstaining from complete ablution, it would serve as a significant bonding mechanism in today’s modern love affairs.  Below we have compiled the top five nether regions that you should avoid.

1 .Tragus- And you thought he never washed behind his ears.

2. Glabella-  Hello…Mcfly?  

3. Posterior Malleolus-  Technically inside of your skin, but try telling that to a man who won’t stop and ask where the closest gps signal is.

4. Philtrum-  If a Kleenex was good enough for his father…

5. Anatomical Snuff Box-  Yeah, we were wrong about this one too.

Are you eating like a baby?

It doesn’t take a scientist to know that the smoothest, most beautiful skin in the world covers the faces and hiney-butts of the babies of the world, particularly from the ages of eighteen months through three and a half years.  For centuries, women have thought that it was their growing age that took away their fountain of youth, when in fact this could be the furthest from the truth.  It’s diet, not sidereal years that determine how young you look. Children, as it turns out, have a biological aversion towards foods that rob us of our natural beauty.  Unfortunately, the practicing doctoral society, heavily subsidized by the food and drug industry, physically pulls these life giving nutrients from the gentle palms of our pre-youth, replacing it with saturated blemishes and gluttonous garishness.  A more comprehensive database is being compiled as I write, but we’ve assembled a short list of foods that children will and will not eat.  Our recommendation is to follow what comes both in and out of the mouths of babes.

List of food children eat (and so should you)

-Corn (and various forms of corn chips)

-Yogurt

-Hot Dogs

-Strawberries

-Creams of Ice

-Mashed Potatoes

-Ketchup

-Puddings

-Sugar Packets

-Skin (licked upon only, yummy)

-Juices with non juice flavoring

-Chicken nuggets

-Balsa wood (non-creatin of course)

-Marshmallows

-Lemons

-Purple Grapes (6 at a time without chewing)

-Waffles with syrup

-Crayons (primary colors preferable)

What the kids aren’t eating. 

-Anything green or off-green

-Yogurt

-Soups of all categories.

-Anything prepared for several hours by an in law or distant relative.

-Noodle based dishes.

-Non-Nugget Chicken

-Cranberry Sauce

-Berry flavored Vitamins or medicines

-Kentucky Bourbon

-Non-mashed potatoes

-Eggs

-Toast

-Ham

-Sandwiches with bread

-Anything not on the dollar menu

Are you turning gray enough?

Our recent studies have shown that 92.5% of men end up with women over the age of 50.  What can you do to help land your man long before you hit half a century?  The solution is as monochrome as the question itself…Gray Your Hair.  For decades, women have been artificially flavoring their hair in order to entice the opposite sex, only to find themselves in a vicious circle of highlights and uneven pantones.  Questions of tops and tails served to only complicate simple pillow talk, as many women found themselves turning off the lights long before turning out their man.  Well no more.  With a simple two step, black and white process, you can look like your mother’s mother’s mother, back when a man was given enough time to grow old with his thoughts and a loving woman who knew enough not to ask what was on his mind.  No longer will he question what you’re going to look like when he no longer enjoys driving, flying, or starting meals past 5pm.  This simple reassurance of days to come will drive the boys crazy and have them eating out your homemade cookie sheet hands, long before you reach your sexual peak.

By implementing these three body image improvements, you’ll be sending a clear message to “Mr. Look Over My Shoulder” that he need no longer search the horizon for a woman that knows what he wants is something old, something new, and something borrowed, even if it is his smelly eccrine glands.