WHAT HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW...

makes the other woman more beautiful.

She’s always across the room, sitting on the opposite corner of your new big job promotion, or that great outfit you spent too much for, or the incredible story you have about your ex-boyfriend’s fall from grace at work.  It doesn’t matter what you do, or how you look, there’s always his lustful eyebrow looking over your shoulder, pretending to be in love with you, quietly scoping out another pair of legs attached to someone you could never be.  

Disheartening as it feels, take comfort in the fact that your man, any man for that matter, has absolutely no idea what he’s looking for, and the sooner you manage his expectations the better.  After interviewing thousands of men over a six month period, we’ve come up with a comprehensively short list of three body image tactics you should try in order to keep the spotlight on you, and only you.  

Are you washing the right body parts?

The most surprising discovery we made from our poll was that men do not wash every region of their outwardly flesh, and find it abhorrent that women expect them to do so. If you’ve ever thought that your relationship has some unspoken conflict, you weren’t far from the truth. Male hostility has gotten so bad over the past few decades that there are entire secret organizations dedicated to reversing this lavation of the masculine psyche.  When asked what the gentler sex could do to reduce this prevailing tension in their relationship, over 83.9 percent of men believe that if their significant other would simply join them in abstaining from complete ablution, it would serve as a significant bonding mechanism in today’s modern love affairs.  Below we have compiled the top five nether regions that you should avoid.

1 .Tragus- And you thought he never washed behind his ears.

2. Glabella-  Hello…Mcfly?  

3. Posterior Malleolus-  Technically inside of your skin, but try telling that to a man who won’t stop and ask where the closest gps signal is.

4. Philtrum-  If a Kleenex was good enough for his father…

5. Anatomical Snuff Box-  Yeah, we were wrong about this one too.

Are you eating like a baby?

It doesn’t take a scientist to know that the smoothest, most beautiful skin in the world covers the faces and hiney-butts of the babies of the world, particularly from the ages of eighteen months through three and a half years.  For centuries, women have thought that it was their growing age that took away their fountain of youth, when in fact this could be the furthest from the truth.  It’s diet, not sidereal years that determine how young you look. Children, as it turns out, have a biological aversion towards foods that rob us of our natural beauty.  Unfortunately, the practicing doctoral society, heavily subsidized by the food and drug industry, physically pulls these life giving nutrients from the gentle palms of our pre-youth, replacing it with saturated blemishes and gluttonous garishness.  A more comprehensive database is being compiled as I write, but we’ve assembled a short list of foods that children will and will not eat.  Our recommendation is to follow what comes both in and out of the mouths of babes.

List of food children eat (and so should you)

-Corn (and various forms of corn chips)

-Yogurt

-Hot Dogs

-Strawberries

-Creams of Ice

-Mashed Potatoes

-Ketchup

-Puddings

-Sugar Packets

-Skin (licked upon only, yummy)

-Juices with non juice flavoring

-Chicken nuggets

-Balsa wood (non-creatin of course)

-Marshmallows

-Lemons

-Purple Grapes (6 at a time without chewing)

-Waffles with syrup

-Crayons (primary colors preferable)

What the kids aren’t eating. 

-Anything green or off-green

-Yogurt

-Soups of all categories.

-Anything prepared for several hours by an in law or distant relative.

-Noodle based dishes.

-Non-Nugget Chicken

-Cranberry Sauce

-Berry flavored Vitamins or medicines

-Kentucky Bourbon

-Non-mashed potatoes

-Eggs

-Toast

-Ham

-Sandwiches with bread

-Anything not on the dollar menu

Are you turning gray enough?

Our recent studies have shown that 92.5% of men end up with women over the age of 50.  What can you do to help land your man long before you hit half a century?  The solution is as monochrome as the question itself…Gray Your Hair.  For decades, women have been artificially flavoring their hair in order to entice the opposite sex, only to find themselves in a vicious circle of highlights and uneven pantones.  Questions of tops and tails served to only complicate simple pillow talk, as many women found themselves turning off the lights long before turning out their man.  Well no more.  With a simple two step, black and white process, you can look like your mother’s mother’s mother, back when a man was given enough time to grow old with his thoughts and a loving woman who knew enough not to ask what was on his mind.  No longer will he question what you’re going to look like when he no longer enjoys driving, flying, or starting meals past 5pm.  This simple reassurance of days to come will drive the boys crazy and have them eating out your homemade cookie sheet hands, long before you reach your sexual peak.

By implementing these three body image improvements, you’ll be sending a clear message to “Mr. Look Over My Shoulder” that he need no longer search the horizon for a woman that knows what he wants is something old, something new, and something borrowed, even if it is his smelly eccrine glands.