BEAUTY TRIALS


by Crystal St. Gibbons


When my good friend sent me a petition asking corporations to stop testing cosmetics on innocent, furry little animals, I broke down and signed right away. Why should animals have all the fun?

I quickly diverted my usual craigslist browsing of “missed connection haikus” (You: tall, gaunt, somber / reading Polish newspaper / taste my pierogi?) to find any trials I could get my hands on. With a few little white lies about my age, weight, and medical history my schedule filled up quicker than Kate Upton’s prison fan club!

Now, one year later, I’m sexier, more confident, and technically a government superfund site. The future of beauty is now! And I’ll tell you where we’re headed.



I began my trials with a new miracle drug that promised quick growing, thick, long eyelashes. Guaranteed to be better than any other drug on the market. Lupexiator™ worked miracles on my thinning lashes, as well as my previously unseen knuckle hair. The dates I went on during those two weeks had men staring deeply through the thick veils of my batting lashes, mostly to make sure I actually had eyes! The daily trimmings were a bit of a chore and also made incredibly painful by the nerve endings now growing within, but like the biggest nerds in high school, Lupexiator™ did its job better than needed.

Next was my foray into fragrances. Incorporating pheromones into perfumes and lotions is nothing new, but it’s difficult to distinguish the real charms from the snake oils. Husk™ by (REDACTED) promises both! As was explained to me by a suspiciously handsome doctor, snake pheromones come closest to those excreted by humans. If it weren’t for their fangs, venom, and general reptilian appearance, our attraction could easily cross species. No wonder Eve couldn’t resist that apple! Despite the solid scientific research behind it, and my multi-layered applications, the product failed to bring more men to my side of the bar. Though you could say I was quite the “charmer” at the reptile show for my nephew’s bar mitzvah. Sssssshalom! (Editor’s note: the writer did suffer multiple bites from the snakes in that show. The necessary anti-venoms compounded with the pharmaceuticals have caused large pockets of memory loss.)



And of course what marathon of pharmaceutical, topical, and deep physical cosmetic trials would be complete without implants! The wonderful facilities at (REDACTED) tucked away in the (REDACTED) Hills of Southern (REDACTED) headed by the amazing Dr. (REDACTED) have brought new life to my hips! I went from a flat ruler with no bumps for my junk, to a curvy hourglass filled with sand! And the sand that fills my voluptuous sides may feel crunchy and awkward at first, but like sandcastles, it only takes a little water to shape my shapely figure. After four months of physical therapy, I not only learned to walk again, I learned to strut! All in all, I give (REDACTED) four (REDACTED) out of (REDACTED) (REDACTED).

Watch out for these products and more at your local beauty shops, pharmacies, and black market alleyways. Just remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder is usually a shallow, sex-driven (REDACTED).

SEXNAPPED

Is Sleep Ruining Your Sex Life?

by Rebecca Rhodus



In the past, eight hours of sleep a night gave women sixteen hours to find the perfect mate.  With rapid biological changes and environmental shifts in our evolutionary development, some scientists are starting to question the age old “beauty sleep recommendation” and are exploring a new “awakening” in order to better our position in the natural selection process. What you consider to be a normal amount of dream time might actually be the very thing destroying your relationship. To gain a greater understanding of what we’re facing, it’s advantageous to explore where sleep falls flat on its face. 

NAPS

As good as they feel, naps are probably the leading cause of sexual dissolution in modern relationships. Aside from their distracting nature (try sending a sexy text whilst sleeping), naps are dissatisfying at best. Usually taken at a time too short to experience the full five stages of slumber, napping places you at a severe disadvantage over more aroused challengers. On a scientific level, sexually successful women are willing to trade their paradoxical stage of shuteye for your boyfriend’s favorite plateau phase of “getting it on”. Without proper planning and diligence, you might find that taking the occasional catnap will drive your man into the awakened arms of another woman, leaving you to purchase a cat to keep you company.



SLEEP BREATH

One of the great struggles about morning sex is the halitosistic hurdles that women must jump over in order to please their man.  “Before-Breakfast-Bang-Bang”, once held as the ultimate honey trap for future monogamy, is starting to come under fire. Studies show that men prefer their morning mate to be drool and odor free, no matter how good the coitus is. Women who sleep in are unable to address this foible of sleep’s curse, and therefore more likely to lose their mate to morning weather girl types, perfectly coiffed in the Local Morning News Television hours.  When your man starts reaching for his remote before reaching for you, it might be high time to trade in your R.E.M.s’ for Day-Dreams instead.



FAKING SLEEP

This is perhaps the most dangerous of all rest related studies. Aside from being a truly disingenuous practice, faking sleep puts undue pressure on your mate to perform the duties of two, fully awakened adults. Scientists are quick to point out that although pretending to sleep is a very common practice in young children, continuing this pattern into adulthood greatly reduces your ability to find and retain a productive partner. Historical data has shown that closing your eyes for extended periods of time can actually lead to “real” sleep, severely limiting your ability to give or receive sexual pleasure. More importantly, once a lover learns of his partner’s faking practices, a certain level of distrust is harbored by the offended party.  

To sleep and perchance to dream are sentiments that Darwin never dealt with in his evolutionary studies.  With our biological alarm clocks ticking louder than ever, it might be high time to decide if you’re going to be spending your time with your man, or Mr. Sandman.

PHOTOGRAPHY CREDITS: Teela Wyman

KINKY KORNER

You submit them; we review them

By the Insecurity Rag Cinema Club



After a long hiatus, we are back. Thank you for your submissions- we were very excited to review your sex tapes. Let’s open a bottle of Malbec from Argentina and get started.

“1997 ARBOR DAY CELEBRATION”


PERFORMERS:      ELBERT AND AUDREY
AGE RANGE:        OVER 40
RELATIONSHIP:   WE GUESS NEIGHBORS OR CO-WORKERS
MEDIA TYPE:        VHS

We have always encouraged individuals to experiment,
to fantasize, to celebrate, and especially to record themselves doing it. With that in mind, we weren’t sure what ELBERT and AUDREY’S ARBOR DAY CELEBRATION TAPE had to do with Arbor Day until we Googl’d Arbor Day and finally discovered it’s not a Viking Holiday rejoicing in the whaling industry as we were led to believe. For those who also live on the East Coast, Arbor Day is apparently the holiday in which individuals and groups are encouraged to plant and care for trees. 

With that bit of knowledge, Elbert and Audrey’s Arbor Day Celebration turns out to be the perfect reminder of why we can never remember what Arbor Day is about, and why we celebrate… or why we care.

The opening shots are clunky, as Elbert struggles to avoid walking into trees while holding the camera still on the Audrey who has dressed in multiple layers of lumberjack attire. We are led to believe that they have been hiking for hours to a remote area high above the purple mountain majesties…until Elbert pans behind them to reveal the parking lot 300 yards away. 



Nonetheless, they are alone and Elbert spoon feeds Audrey some horrible questions to set the mood.

“So, do you love Arbor Day? How much do you love Arbor Day? If Arbor Day was a man with a camera how would you show your love?”

Which apparently was her cue to do a strip tease. The piles of discarded clothes looked like the bargain bin of Abercrombie and Fitch. Once she was au natural we could see that Audrey had grown enough shrubbery on her own body to help reforest the Grand Tetons, which coincidentally, her Tetons, although not grand,  did have some stubble around the apex. Now of course we’re not suggesting that everyone should get a Brazilian, but we
felt after watching this video, that we had concrete proof of Big Foot’s existense.

Soon afterwards, she got down on her knees, clearing the ground of pinecones, and “seductively” untied the drawstring of his red sweatpants to reveal black boxer-briefs with the gray elastic band. She smiled at the camera as she tugged them down, and then looked for his “tree limb”- not AT his tree limb- FOR his tree limb. 



As we have said numerous times, although the camera usually adds ten pounds, it rarely adds it down there, and to be fair, it was hidden under his rotund belly. It’s a shame that this was Arbor Day and not Groundhog Day.  Perhaps then it would have come out of hiding…but then we would have six more weeks of winter…and it would have shrunk smaller. (note to reader: Google Groundhog day and penis shrinkage)

Although we never got to actually see it, we assume it was there. Because of the downward angle of the camera, all we could see was her long straight brown hair bobbing up and down. In many ways, it resembled Cousin It from the Addams Family marching up the top of the hill and retreating down again. (note to reader Google “Cousin It”).

Thankfully, this was a short film both in length and in LENGTH because it seemed to take just three licks of his lollipop to finish the job. (note to reader: Google “three licks lollipop”) The rest of the tape was recorded with the lens cap on, but the audio didn’t suggest that they furthered the fantasy. In fact it sounded like they actually planted a tree for Arbor Day, (note to reader: Google Arbor Day.)

REBOUND GIRL

PULP DIMPLES

BY: REBOUND GIRL



Dear RB,

I’m finding it difficult to talk to my sister after her plastic surgery.  HELP!

Signed,
Before



Dear Before & After,

I

 like to think that I’ll never get plastic surgery. I’ll never need it. Hell, I may never be able to afford it anyway. But never say never, and actually, I’d like to be able to afford it, even if I don’t get it. I may just buy a home instead, or even a second home…one in a village, or a beach, or a galaxy, far, far away.

I’ve lived in a few homes, apartments that happened to have mirrors on the closet doors in the bedroom. It’s not what sold me. Although one definitely helped make the place feel bigger, which was nice. But then I’m also faced with myself, a lot. Which is also what happens when you have your own place. You talk to yourself. You look at yourself in the mirror, because, you can’t help it. It’s right there. Reflecting.

Do I like everything about my face, my body, even my personality? No. Do I like waving to myself in the mirror? Sometimes. Do I like being able to see myself having sex in a mirror? Depends on who I’m with.

We met at a little cocktail and finger food party I threw. He came with one of the attendees but not as the date. Someone had suggested I throw a little “I’m single, bring a single friend that the other single friends won’t have met yet” party. Of course, everyone was rebounding, because, as one friend that night said, “Every person who is single is on the rebound. Some are just in denial about it.” Of course, that friend was quoting me having said that to her after her last break-up. (I actually said a whole lot more but I’ll bring up those ditties another time.)

So, I have a bunch of single people at a party at my place. No, we didn’t all screw each other, but there was a lot of glancing around the room with slanted eyes, sly signals, whispered plans and overt moves. My conquest caught me in the kitchen as I was refreshing the ice bucket. “Now’s a good time to admit to each other that we think the other is cute,” he declared as he made me a drink with bourbon, marmalade, orange bitters, and one other ingredient from the bar he kept secret. The drink was delicious and so was he. We traded witticisms. “You know your way around my kitchen.” and “I’d like to tour the rest of you.”

 “Perhaps,” I replied, “perhaps.” He then kissed me, and that was a kiss to say yes to.

After more conversation, flirting, boozing, my friends and new friends left. Some paired off, some left alone, some went to try their luck at bars or booty calls elsewhere…but he stayed.

While I was in the bathroom, he got into director mode. He re-designed the lighting and made a pyramid with the pillows on my bed. He undressed and then undressed me and propped me Cleopatra-style onto the bed. He then asked me if I watched myself having sex a lot.

“Sometimes, “ I acknowledged and said aloud, “Depends on who I’m with.” He then touched me so that I quivered and asked, “mind if we film tonight?” I told him, “No cameras on the first night.” And that he’s moving quite fast. He slowed down. The foreplay was…really good. When he went to get a condom, he adjusted his phone that was on a little tripod. I hadn’t noticed this set-up when I came in. I asked him if he was filming us. I, actually didn’t wait for him to answer, I got up to see for myself.

I was amazed. He had managed to mostly keep just his face in the frame. He sure knew his marks. He explained, “I’m documenting my expression, when I come. How it changes or doesn’t change each time as I age. Don’t worry, I’ve done this so long that I forget that the camera’s there. I don’t act or fake it. You’re the first girl I’m doing this with outside of my girlfriend. My ex-girlfriend. She left me for my agent. Soon to be ex-agent. I’m sorry, I didn’t explain this to begin with. I just couldn’t resist when I saw your room cuz I can capture my expression reflecting in the mirror. I like the layers. I’ll be respectful. I’ll blur you out if you end up in any of the angles.” He was talking too much now but not enough to dissuade me. Simply, if/when sex tapes get made, I’m going to have the control over them.  From that point on, my phone, my computer, my editing. I also downloaded his original video of us and erased it from his phone and the cloud.



It was actually great. The sex and the sex tape. So great that the ones we made became the centerpiece of his project. Yet, we did not become the center of each others’ lives. There’s more to say, but we just didn’t click. Even though the director took direction well, he was still quite narcissistic. Sometime later, he invited me to a loft party and was going to publicly screen the series for the first time. I told him I’d go, but only if I could keep my anonymity. He said he’d prefer me to be anonymous too, and that he had superimposed his new girlfriend’s face into a sequence in which mine had been blurred out. (We did the blurring together, on my computer, so, yes, I have the original, unblurred version). He said it was better if no one at the party knew it was me, or his new girlfriend/agent, might get upset…she’s the jealous type. The video series started with his ex (his before), then I was blurry in the middle, but then it transitioned and emerged to his current girlfriend (the after), on my body at first and then her body. But the focus is always his face, so you don’t see much in the way of bodies. In my case, a shoulder here, a dimple of Venus there. 

My sister insisted that we go to the party and maybe cause a little trouble, or be tame little flies on the wall. It was my sister who invited this guy to my party to begin with, (they’re local coffee shop friends) and she was determined to make up for it with being my wing woman so I could make a new match. 

My sis wore a dress that revealed her own dimples of Venus, but I didn’t make the connection until after her nose was a bloody pulp.  It appears that both the before (ex) and after (current gf) of monsieur the director assumed the mystery middle girl was my sis. I was flaunting legs not back that night, and they failed to notice in their drunken rage that she doesn’t have a telltale skin tag on her back that I have, (and can be seen clearly) in said video series. Not bright lights these two!

The ex punched left, the current gf punched right, and my sister was down for the count. Her nose was broken and in need of plastics. It always takes me a moment when I see her now, like when you see Jennifer Gray, you also see a flash of her Dirty Dancing face as she carries a watermelon. It’s burned into our pop culture minds…like staring too long at the sun. But my sister’s new nose does look quite nice, and those bitches with monsieur the director, paid out big. Eventually it garnered him some publicity, and his time lapse orgiastic mug toured around the world. He’s still dating that crazy ass chick and I hear their bedroom is all mirrors. He still contacts me every now and then asking if I have the original video, I don’t respond. I’ve chosen to keep my anonymity until now. Whatever.

So my advice to you B&A, either speak up if the timing is right or go soft focus when you encounter your sister. You’ve got to have each other’s backs, even if genetically they may not be quite the same.

Until we meet again,

MY SEASON OF CSA OPTIMISM

Keeping Your Relationships Fresh 

by Tamsin Putputt-Carr



My new husband and I have been trying to save money by eating out less, and attempting to eat healthier with organic vegetables –which isn’t easy living in a large metropolitan area. So after being on a waiting list for 2 years, when a membership spot opened in our local CSA (Community supported agriculture, not Confederate States of America or Casting Society of America) -we jumped on it. 

If you’re not familiar with a CSA, members “buy-in” for a growing season (usually Mar-Nov)to a “share,” a portion of a local (within 50 miles) farm’s organic crop yield for that week. This helps support local farmers by pre-selling their produce, and allows members to purchase local organic vegetables from somewhere closer than Chile or a GMO Food-Space Satellite in near-earth orbit. On the designated night of the week, members pickup their share at a designated central location at which the farmer’s drop off their food in share boxes, and volunteers check in members that come to pick them up. Not having a car, it’s an added bonus to get exercise carrying the 15-20 pounds of boxed vegetables the 10 blocks home. 

Another option for local organic produce in a big city is the Farmer’s Market. But why spend prime brunch-time picking out $30 worth of vegetables, when you can have them selected for you, and pick them up on your way home from work? 

To minimize the expense we decided to split our share with another couple, halving our investment to $35 every-other-week.

Being young urban professionals on a hectic schedule, we appreciated another feature of the CSA: weekly suggested recipes to make use of that week’s CSA vegetables. 

Below are some highlights of the season and our results.

Recipes courtesy of LaGuardia CSA and the Gold Bond Flour Cookbook (1919)



Week 1:

Macedoine Salad 

It is generally best to use potatoes for the body of the salad, adding other vegetables to give color and flavor. 

9 Semi-diced Russett (or Idaho) potatoes
1 heads fresh spinach (2 heads are better than 1)
1 head Duse Lettuce
4 extra-plump heirloom tomatoes
1 clove of garlic (bruised)
1 extra-large jar mayonaisse
12 green-beans
1 nasturtium bloom
1 jar store-bought gherkins (optional)
2 drams pickled beets
2 lbs ice

Marinate each vegetable separately, add French dressing. 

Set on ice to cool before serving. Rub the salad bowl with a bruised clove of garlic before arranging the salad. Serve with more French dressing or Mayonnaise. Garnish with nasturtium, gherkins, pickled beets.

Result: 

 My husband nearly forgot to pick up the veggies, even though it’s on the same night every week. He managed to make it just in time before they closed, and realized he forgot his keys at work. He waited at a cafe for 2 hours until I was home from my Gothic Knitting circle. He put them in the fridge when we got home, and then we proceeded to argue for 2 hours, going to bed without speaking to each other. I thought it best not to bring up the subject the next day, and we made up over Chinese food (chicken with broccoli).



Week 3

“Asparagus in Ambush” 

2 bunches cooked asparagus
1 tablespoon Gold Medal flour
1 cup scalded milk % teaspoon salt
2 eggs
6 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon butter
6 rolls 

Cut off the tops of the rolls to serve as covers. Remove the crumb, dust the shells and covers with melted butter and brown in the oven. Make a white sauce of the milk, butter and flour. 

Cut the tender part of the asparagus fine, cook a few minutes in the white sauce ; fill the rolls with the mixture, place on the tops and serve hot. 

Result: 

Picked up in good weather, not locked out. Inlaws visited this week, mother-in-law very judgmental, put off cooking for her. Asparagus wilted.  

Week 7

Jerusalem Artichokes 

8 lbs Jerusalem artichokes
1 tbsp butter
1 tsp powdered sugar

These are tubers which grow wild in the eastern part of the United States and Canada; being free from starch, they may be eaten uncooked. 

To Bake: Boil until about halftone then peel and put into a baking dish with 1 tablespoon of butter, salt and pepper to taste. Dust with 1 teaspoon of powdered sugar and bake a good brown. Baste with butter. 

Result: 

Husband in ER with dehydration from food poisoning. Distracted from Jerusalem Artichokes. Which is good, because I hate Jerusalem Artichokes. 

Next year I think we will just go to the farmer’s market. 


DATING APP-TITUDE

2014: A DATE ODYSSEY

by Hannah-Kate Sarah

In the future, dating will take place entirely inside of a computer, you’ll meet your dates for martini pills and laser-dancing, and sex, like all our jobs, will be replaced by robots.

Thankfully by then we will all be dead. For now we have the entire dating world at our fingertips in smartphone apps like Tinder. Its success has spawned a bevy of new apps to rate, swipe, and poke potential lovers. Here’s our guide to dating apps on the rise!




Character-Assured: 

Why spend hours obsessing over your dating profile when you can boil it down to a single image. And what could be better than a street-fair style caricature? Nothing! Nothing can be better. Simply upload a few pictures, pick a few activities you enjoy, and two hours later you’ll have an amateurish rendered portrait to show the world that you love water skiing AND listening to your iPod! No clever angles or blurry photo shoots can hide the real you because your head is now the size of a hot air balloon. Show off your beautiful smile, cheerful eyes, and that that tiny bump on the bridge of your nose that you hate so much.

F**kHunt: 


A fun callback to the video games of our childhood. In each round, faces of single men fly across the screen, tap quickly to shoot them down and add them to your “F**k Bag.” Lightning fast reflexes are key, as you have to make the split decision to go for the kill or let them fly away, as you have so many times before. Miss every mark in a round and a little dog laughs at you and leaves a joking but hurtful comment on your Facebook page.

KnowsBest: 




This app allows your mother to do all the work for you. Searching, messaging, making plans. Maybe then she’ll see that it’s not so easy. We can’t all get pregnant in college and later claim it was “fate” and “true love” even though your only display of affection is eating at the same restaurant every couple of weeks, ordering the same food and being home reading in bed by 9:30. Your Dad drowns himself in his work, and if the two of them happen to be in the same room together, he just has a beer in his hand, eyes on the TV, nodding and agreeing to everything she says to avoid any sort of confrontation. Some of us are looking for a real connection, Mom!

Gngr: 



 

Find the nearest redhead.

 

 

iStalk: 



Connects to your accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, MySpace, LiveJournal, Friendster, Xanga, Google+, Meetup, Amazon, Reddit, Yelp, Netflix, Youtube, World of Warcraft, WhatsApp, OKCupid, iTunes, Groupon, Last.fm, Tumblr, LivingSocial, RateMyTeacher, AirBnB, deviantART, Flickr, Everquest, Meetup, RenRen, Muxlim, ibibo, Weibo, AlJazeera, AMC’s Official Breaking Bad Message Board, AOL, GroupMe, Snapchat, Google Maps, Craigslist, Skype, Uber, Paypal, Vine, HBO GO, and HealthCare.gov to help you create the perfect profile. The terms of service are really long, but I’m pretty sure they keep all your information totally secure and private.

KINKY KORNER

You submit them; we review them

By the Insecurity Rag Cinema Club



After a long hiatus, we are back. Thank you for your submissions- we were very excited to review your sex tapes. Let’s open a bottle of Malbec from Argentina and get started.

“1997 ARBOR DAY CELEBRATION”


PERFORMERS:      ELBERT AND AUDREY
AGE RANGE:        OVER 40
RELATIONSHIP:   WE GUESS NEIGHBORS OR CO-WORKERS
MEDIA TYPE:        VHS

We have always encouraged individuals to experiment,
to fantasize, to celebrate, and especially to record themselves doing it. With that in mind, we weren’t sure what ELBERT and AUDREY’S ARBOR DAY CELEBRATION TAPE had to do with Arbor Day until we Googl’d Arbor Day and finally discovered it’s not a Viking Holiday rejoicing in the whaling industry as we were led to believe. For those who also live on the East Coast, Arbor Day is apparently the holiday in which individuals and groups are encouraged to plant and care for trees. 

With that bit of knowledge, Elbert and Audrey’s Arbor Day Celebration turns out to be the perfect reminder of why we can never remember what Arbor Day is about, and why we celebrate… or why we care.

The opening shots are clunky, as Elbert struggles to avoid walking into trees while holding the camera still on the Audrey who has dressed in multiple layers of lumberjack attire. We are led to believe that they have been hiking for hours to a remote area high above the purple mountain majesties…until Elbert pans behind them to reveal the parking lot 300 yards away. 



Nonetheless, they are alone and Elbert spoon feeds Audrey some horrible questions to set the mood.

“So, do you love Arbor Day? How much do you love Arbor Day? If Arbor Day was a man with a camera how would you show your love?”

Which apparently was her cue to do a strip tease. The piles of discarded clothes looked like the bargain bin of Abercrombie and Fitch. Once she was au natural we could see that Audrey had grown enough shrubbery on her own body to help reforest the Grand Tetons, which coincidentally, her Tetons, although not grand,  did have some stubble around the apex. Now of course we’re not suggesting that everyone should get a Brazilian, but we
felt after watching this video, that we had concrete proof of Big Foot’s existense.

Soon afterwards, she got down on her knees, clearing the ground of pinecones, and “seductively” untied the drawstring of his red sweatpants to reveal black boxer-briefs with the gray elastic band. She smiled at the camera as she tugged them down, and then looked for his “tree limb”- not AT his tree limb- FOR his tree limb. 



As we have said numerous times, although the camera usually adds ten pounds, it rarely adds it down there, and to be fair, it was hidden under his rotund belly. It’s a shame that this was Arbor Day and not Groundhog Day.  Perhaps then it would have come out of hiding…but then we would have six more weeks of winter…and it would have shrunk smaller. (note to reader: Google Groundhog day and penis shrinkage)

Although we never got to actually see it, we assume it was there. Because of the downward angle of the camera, all we could see was her long straight brown hair bobbing up and down. In many ways, it resembled Cousin It from the Addams Family marching up the top of the hill and retreating down again. (note to reader Google “Cousin It”).

Thankfully, this was a short film both in length and in LENGTH because it seemed to take just three licks of his lollipop to finish the job. (note to reader: Google “three licks lollipop”) The rest of the tape was recorded with the lens cap on, but the audio didn’t suggest that they furthered the fantasy. In fact it sounded like they actually planted a tree for Arbor Day, (note to reader: Google Arbor Day.)

POLKA DOTS- THE NEW PLAID?

Your Polish Heraldry Revealed!

by  Zbignew Chalmers



We all know that a rich world of genealogical and celtic national heritage can be unlocked by staring at kilts and looking up each Tartan plaid pattern and reading about it. But how many of us are aware of the shades of meaning and heritage behind the noble slavic patterns known collectively as Polka Dot?  It’s not just fashion, it’s romantic history and cultural pride, so know where you stand—and where you came from—when you pick out your next summer dress. 

Anka



Dating to the Iron Age, roundles of snow white on a sanguine background. Anka is the oldest of the tribal totems, used until recently in ribbons of distinction on military uniforms and in constructing the luggage of the modern warrior class.

Avsenik



Today thought to be festive, this pattern of red shields against a field of gold, is still incendiary in some areas of the Pursowic mountains. Avsenik commemorates the Battle of Hunzfeld in 1109, where brother fought brother as the Prussians under Henry V were repelled by Wrymouth.

 

Bolislaw



Distinguished since the dawn of the Piest Dynasty, Bolislaw honors the bravery and sacrifice of the “Sto Bracia” or “100 Brothers” who stood abreast to repel Flemish invaders at Luzyce in 250.  Favored in rural areas, but a very expensive material owing to the Krol Beetle used to obtain the rich crimson hue.

 

Gniezo



Commissioned by Boleslaw the Brave in 1000A.D. Six different colors varied on a field of white, to commemorate the formation of the city-state Gniezo brought about by the unification of the six bishops of Krakow. It is ascribed a jovial tone, and is favored both by residents of Gniezo and todays Diplomatic Corps.

 

Gorski-Wegry



Ascribed to the artisinal guilds of the Wegry valley, the circles of varying size and hue celebrate Royalty united with the aesthetic class during the tumultuous 7th century. The azure rings honor the passing of craftsmanship from one generation to the next (small circles to large), the orange and yellow honor the dairy farmers of the valley, and the grey the intricate metalwork practiced since the bronze age.

 

Mieszko



The second oldest pattern, taking its derivation from the biedronka or “ladybug” the personal crest of emperor Mieszko II Lambert circa 990. It has also been said to depict the mushrooms of Masowsze at night. Fierce warriors and practical rulers were proud to travel under this banner for hundreds of years.

 

Swabia



One of the oldest patterns in Polish heraldry, first observed in vestal garments of Svetoid the pre-Christian Slavic god of war, fertility and abundance. Later adopted by Wladyslaw I to maintain familial continuity it is today used throughout the world on both handkerchiefs, undergarments, bow ties and vintage coat linings. 

 

Yankovic



A migrant Romany corruption of Bolislaw pattern for the near-sighted agrarian class. Czech but sometimes confused with Polish. 

 

 

Welk



Native to what is now modern day Zwiazek Wielecki, the crimson, verdent, red and aqua orbs symbolize both the original 4 allied slavic tribes, and the stars that shielded and protected them at night. American musician Lawrence Welk (nee Washington) adopted it as his own.

 

OShaugnessi



Legend has it that in the eighth century B.C. Celtic druids traveled by canoe to the shores of what is now modern Pomorze. Certain resemblances can be seen between the O’Shaugnessy tartan of Ireland and the similarly named OShaugnessi Polka Dot, which can be seen in the logo of Polish automobile manufacturer Spolz.

GENE-DEFYING LOOKS

When There’s No Fitting In

by Pixley Wadsworth



Ladies, it’s that time of year again! Kiss summertime blues away and look at new jean styles for fall!  There is so much variety this year you could kill yourself with choices. My assignment from We Own the World Denim was delivered to me at midnight, and I spent the whole next day submerged in my own Jean-a-thon.

I almost killed myself the first time I thumbed through a well- known popular clothing catalog (that also is a real store, a house hold name really) and saw all of their denim colors and prices. We all have $200 to spend on a pair of jeans, right? The styles alone for a curvier bottom like yours truly were just fantastique! (See? I am speaking in Franglais- I am so excited.)  In the printed catalog, the pages alternated from one page being in black and white  to the next page in color- just showcasing the jeans. That alone told me that the jeans were extremely different from each other.

Not believing my eyes, I took a trip to their flagship store to try on these jeans myself!

Here’s a taste of what is in store for you!

The Matchstick

These really recouped their name as I couldn’t get them up over my calf muscles!  Obviously my self-worth soared sky high when I thought, “why these are just oven mitts for my shins- in case I want to remove brownie pans from the oven with my legs.” No fire hazard there.

The Toothpick

An entirely new approach (and skinnier than the Matchstick), I could barely fit my toes into them. Then I had fun pretending to be a swamp monster with an extra two tentacles attached at the bottom of my feet. I even added sound effects. Luckily I was not escorted out of the dressing room (yet.)



The Pencil Denim 

The Pencil Denim skirt stands by its name in that your figure literally must be the structure of a straight up and down wooden board to get into this spandex sleeping bag. We all know that women do not have hips or buttocks, so you’ll be able to just slide into this number! I had so much fun not being able to move an inch in this blue fisherman’s net that I imagined being an upright sea creature hobbling around my little dressing room, looking for the sea again. I was asked by the sales clerk if I needed any help. Don’t I! Come Halloween, this is the skirt for you if you are inspired by upright whales.

The Pixie Pant

If sparkles are your nemesis than don’t buy these bedazzled capris capers! That is all I am going to say about these. My eyes hurt from staring directly at them for too long.  I could lend this pink explosive material to my four-year-old niece who wants princess curtains for her Disney Pets Dog House, but I think it would poison the pets. These pants would be great in a stand-off, because your attacker would get confused by all of the glitter.

The Calcium Deficient Pixie

These jeans, like their name, will leave a gap in your diet! They are filled with holes. I would like to say the holes were in demure spots, but they are not.  With holes so near my hoo-ha, who needs to flirt with words anymore,  I’ll just go into a bar and point to my Pixie jeaned holed crotch.  Because that is what sexy is, pointing to your pants parts.  These jeans would make a great dog toy come to think of it, since they are already shredded and so unwearable! These jeans could be the “after” picture of documented tiger attack- really reasonable and likely to happen.

The Meth Addict

These jeans are truly for that Meth head we all know- these jeans were so crusty and ragged that I am sure I detected an odd smell coming from them.  So put on your Breaking Bad chemistry goggles and yellow your teeth: these jeans will take you to the seediest part of L.A. and leave you there. No one will mug you in these jeans because you will look so down on your luck already. If anything, people will offer you money so that you go away and they won’t have to look at you.

The Where’s That Girl Jeans?/ I Knocked Her Down

These jeans were so tiny that I had the tall seven-year-old girl in the dressing room next door try them on. I honestly did not see her after that. She must have just blended into the wall. Her mother was not pleased. I believe it was right around this time that security was called.



The Beard 

Something that I have long coveted, even though it seems like it is trying to rip off the famous “boyfriend jean.” This style of jean is supposed to be more “baggy,” like you put on your boyfriend’s jeans because you missed him when he left the apartment and you are trying to be cute.  Unfortunately, it is still super skin tight and replaces the room in the buttock area for a roomy penis pouch—two things I know I especially shoot for when trying on jeans! This is a great cross dressing jean for all of your cross dressing needs.

So there you have it ladies! You think you are just getting the same jean year after year but you are not! There are jeans for Halloween costumes, catastrophic events, running away from home and becoming a drug addict, using sparkles to your benefit to confuse any attackers, jeans to disappear in, and cross dressing any night of the week, because let’s face it, we could all use a change of self now and again. 

Not only can we now squeeze our asses into these new salami skins, but we can also have that look that says, “I know, I need your hands– and a pair of pliers to take these jeans off.”

The maker of these denim styles also promised “…you do know when your butt looks great…”

Of course I do! 

I know my butt looks great squished into a skinny jean because that obviously makes it look smaller!

I also love seeing the word “butt” in print.

Instead of having any other style of denim to choose from, all women can now look attractive, as we reach for the pixie stars.  Jean wearers of the world (that is ALL OF US) unite! Let’s cram our asses into these beauties before it is too late! Because at SOME point, they will stop making SKINNY JEANS and we will all wake up to a nightmare of a wonderful variety of jeans for different sized and multi-proportioned women! Or I could just take my ex- boyfriend’s advice who told me, “you probably just shouldn’t wear jeans at all.” 

SEXNAPPED

Is Sleep Ruining Your Sex Life?

by Rebecca Rhodus



In the past, eight hours of sleep a night gave women sixteen hours to find the perfect mate.  With rapid biological changes and environmental shifts in our evolutionary development, some scientists are starting to question the age old “beauty sleep recommendation” and are exploring a new “awakening” in order to better our position in the natural selection process. What you consider to be a normal amount of dream time might actually be the very thing destroying your relationship. To gain a greater understanding of what we’re facing, it’s advantageous to explore where sleep falls flat on its face. 

NAPS

As good as they feel, naps are probably the leading cause of sexual dissolution in modern relationships. Aside from their distracting nature (try sending a sexy text whilst sleeping), naps are dissatisfying at best. Usually taken at a time too short to experience the full five stages of slumber, napping places you at a severe disadvantage over more aroused challengers. On a scientific level, sexually successful women are willing to trade their paradoxical stage of shuteye for your boyfriend’s favorite plateau phase of “getting it on”. Without proper planning and diligence, you might find that taking the occasional catnap will drive your man into the awakened arms of another woman, leaving you to purchase a cat to keep you company.



SLEEP BREATH

One of the great struggles about morning sex is the halitosistic hurdles that women must jump over in order to please their man.  “Before-Breakfast-Bang-Bang”, once held as the ultimate honey trap for future monogamy, is starting to come under fire. Studies show that men prefer their morning mate to be drool and odor free, no matter how good the coitus is. Women who sleep in are unable to address this foible of sleep’s curse, and therefore more likely to lose their mate to morning weather girl types, perfectly coiffed in the Local Morning News Television hours.  When your man starts reaching for his remote before reaching for you, it might be high time to trade in your R.E.M.s’ for Day-Dreams instead.



FAKING SLEEP

This is perhaps the most dangerous of all rest related studies. Aside from being a truly disingenuous practice, faking sleep puts undue pressure on your mate to perform the duties of two, fully awakened adults. Scientists are quick to point out that although pretending to sleep is a very common practice in young children, continuing this pattern into adulthood greatly reduces your ability to find and retain a productive partner. Historical data has shown that closing your eyes for extended periods of time can actually lead to “real” sleep, severely limiting your ability to give or receive sexual pleasure. More importantly, once a lover learns of his partner’s faking practices, a certain level of distrust is harbored by the offended party.  

To sleep and perchance to dream are sentiments that Darwin never dealt with in his evolutionary studies.  With our biological alarm clocks ticking louder than ever, it might be high time to decide if you’re going to be spending your time with your man, or Mr. Sandman.

PHOTOGRAPHY CREDITS: Teela Wyman

SEXY INSURED


Protect your Assets Before It’s Too Late

by Marisa Fiore

I recently showed my boyfriend a new spice rack I purchased.

He said, “that’s not the rack I want to see.”

I’ve got a nice rack.

It’s so nice that I got it insured.
My boyfriend got his mustache insured.

Are we celebrities?
No.

Are we rolling in dough?
No.

Are these special skills like singing or smelling wine that are instrumental to our careers?
No.

But my rack and his stache help define who we are and are therefore definite assets.

And they should not only be promoted but insured.

We protect our lives, our homes, our cars, our property, our luggage, our health, so why not what makes us sexy?

Even if it’s not what necessarily pays the bills.
Even if we struggle to pay the bills.

Choosing the right company is key, not only so you can sleep soundly without doubling your dosage, but also so that you can cash in when you start to sag. (Note: Sag insurance is an add-on.)

Without going to London and having a movie studio front the big bucks on your booty, your boobs, your gams or your grin, what do you need to look out for as you sign on the dotted line with a “specializing in sexy” insurance company?

You guessed it! The Fine Print.

Body insurance clauses can be worse than the contract at your local gym. Here’s where to shine your grandmother’s magnifying glass.

Survival of the Fittest

You’re going for more than the simple disease, dismemberment or death reimbursement that you can get from any ole life insurance policy. You are going for sexy. Sexy is both genetic and refined like caring for a bonsai. But sexy changes over time. You want a policy that will adapt with you not against you.

Die Young if You Have Fun

Young, single, smart and sexy? Take advantage! Discounts abound, especially if you are social media savvy with a bevvy of click-like-happy responsive followers. Post photos and hash tag with the insurance company’s name. Just be sure the photo doesn’t capture you, your friends or anyone in the frame, smoking, drinking, doing drugs, eating processed foods, eating after 7pm, eating more than 3x/day, engaging in unprotected sexual relations, engaging in sexual relations and/or kissing or dating more than one partner in a year, crying, sunbathing, staying up past 10pm, being awake between the hours of 10pm-6am, chewing gum, sucking your thumb, or biting your nails. Those are the basic no-no’s. Some companies have longer lists that include running with pointy objects, riding a motorcycle, shoveling snow, gardening or using power tools. Sound complicated? There’s a filter for your phone’s camera called Puresque Sexy. Search, download and install (worth it!)

Pimp Your Peeps

Refer a friend who signs up for a policy, and many companies will forgive your monthly premium anywhere from a few days to a whole year. It just depends on how uniquely sexy your friend is. You’ll get referral points that’ll raise your status to gold, ruby, emerald, sapphire, and these can get you discounts on workout clothes, vitamins, conferences and retreats. But first, get pimped by a friend or a stranger in high standing (wink, wink). 

Lie About Your Age

Companies will raise your premium with each birthday. If you’re paying a higher percentage than your year, say 28% if you’re 25 or 40% and you’re 30, then you’re being scammed. Negotiate or go elsewhere. Oh, and there’s no insurance after 50 unless you’re an endangered species. It used to be 38, so let’s all tweet some appreciation to J Lo’s buttocks and O’Brien’s bangs.



Family Planning

Each child carries a payment increase of at least 10% that kicks in upon conception with interest. So plan ahead! You can reduce that percentage increase slightly only if your post-baby body bounces back as quick as Beyoncé with the expertise from one of their in-network personal trainers. You may pay double or triple what you would with Tony or Tina at your local gym but you should still come out ahead. Just be sure to also check the fine print on the trainer’s contract. Some require a two-year commitment even though you were back to your pre-puberty jeans size in less than two months. My man and I are so not there yet. But most companies have monthly fertility charts as a downloadable pdf. There’s also discounts on basal thermometers with your points. You often have to ask, before they tell.

Don’t Procrastinate

Time is of the essence when you start requiring nips and tucks or treatment for an accident. You have 10 business days from onset to file a report requesting an initial consultation. You must get a second opinion 5 business days following the first. Within 48 hours you must post the two reports on your online profile with your company, along with bulleted statements about your preference. Your broker will review your claim and if everything’s a-ok, approve it. Then the broker will average the two bids and cover half after your copay and deductible. If they don’t cover half, don’t go with them. You are responsible for the rest and your broker will negotiate a payment plan with interest should you need it. Note: you may only receive treatment in the 5 mile-radius, city, country or countries you purchased coverage. Never go that far off the grid so that you don’t miss your window of opportunity. Don’t even bother going out-of-network, it’ll cause wrinkles. My boyfriend and I participate in each other’s daily sexy-insured checks and award each other gold stars and more…but the more is private.

Offshore Accounting

Open up an account with an approved bank in Switzerland, Hong Kong or the Cayman Islands as soon as you begin your insurance policy. Shop around for a good interest rate. I’m not allowed to tell you what I found.

Let it Go

Don’t want surgery? Pay a fee and you can get a pension once there’s no sign of sexiness to you whatsoever. The rules and procedures for approval are similar to pursuing treatment except you need at least ten initial consultations for opinions on your lack of vavavoom and not just two. 

Get Help

Hire a manager, therapist or life coach to help you navigate all the ins and outs, send you updates on your rankings and helpful affirmations like, “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.” My boyfriend and I use them as mantras. We often worry that his approved stache wash will cause split ends or my approved bras will puncture my breasts. This lifeline seer will also get your insurance policy professionally framed. Mine glows like sand on a sunny beach and my boyfriend’s erupts like a volcano. It boosts our confidence. We feel not only protected but invincible.

On good days.