2014: A DATE ODYSSEY
by Hannah-Kate Sarah
In the future, dating will take place entirely inside of a computer, you’ll meet your dates for martini pills and laser-dancing, and sex, like all our jobs, will be replaced by robots.
Thankfully by then we will all be dead. For now we have the entire dating world at our fingertips in smartphone apps like Tinder. Its success has spawned a bevy of new apps to rate, swipe, and poke potential lovers. Here’s our guide to dating apps on the rise!
Why spend hours obsessing over your dating profile when you can boil it down to a single image. And what could be better than a street-fair style caricature? Nothing! Nothing can be better. Simply upload a few pictures, pick a few activities you enjoy, and two hours later you’ll have an amateurish rendered portrait to show the world that you love water skiing AND listening to your iPod! No clever angles or blurry photo shoots can hide the real you because your head is now the size of a hot air balloon. Show off your beautiful smile, cheerful eyes, and that that tiny bump on the bridge of your nose that you hate so much.
A fun callback to the video games of our childhood. In each round, faces of single men fly across the screen, tap quickly to shoot them down and add them to your “F**k Bag.” Lightning fast reflexes are key, as you have to make the split decision to go for the kill or let them fly away, as you have so many times before. Miss every mark in a round and a little dog laughs at you and leaves a joking but hurtful comment on your Facebook page.
This app allows your mother to do all the work for you. Searching, messaging, making plans. Maybe then she’ll see that it’s not so easy. We can’t all get pregnant in college and later claim it was “fate” and “true love” even though your only display of affection is eating at the same restaurant every couple of weeks, ordering the same food and being home reading in bed by 9:30. Your Dad drowns himself in his work, and if the two of them happen to be in the same room together, he just has a beer in his hand, eyes on the TV, nodding and agreeing to everything she says to avoid any sort of confrontation. Some of us are looking for a real connection, Mom!
Find the nearest redhead.
Connects to your accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, MySpace, LiveJournal, Friendster, Xanga, Google+, Meetup, Amazon, Reddit, Yelp, Netflix, Youtube, World of Warcraft, WhatsApp, OKCupid, iTunes, Groupon, Last.fm, Tumblr, LivingSocial, RateMyTeacher, AirBnB, deviantART, Flickr, Everquest, Meetup, RenRen, Muxlim, ibibo, Weibo, AlJazeera, AMC’s Official Breaking Bad Message Board, AOL, GroupMe, Snapchat, Google Maps, Craigslist, Skype, Uber, Paypal, Vine, HBO GO, and HealthCare.gov to help you create the perfect profile. The terms of service are really long, but I’m pretty sure they keep all your information totally secure and private.