The Wrong Queen
When Shakespeare was a Muslim, his mother came to him out of despair and asked him to write a story about a girl and a horse that had tragically been mistaken for a type of vintage French wine. The horse and the girl were not familiar with each other and had in fact never grown up in the town where their false identities were recorded.
The girl’s name was Samueletta, a young tike who could not question any relative as to the source of her name, as she was orphaned shortly after her third birthday and could not remember how much of the time in her youth had been spent at sea.There were fewer and fewer nautical orphan log takers at the time and even the ones who were worth their salt had become so dispirited by the black plague rumors that they allowed their greatest fears to seep into their work and distort the once proud “number takers of the north”. Samueletta eventually grew wary of her birthright and chose to instead focus on her life’s work, managing button finders who could predict the following month’s weather by the number of button holes found in local public houses and carousel wheelers.There were two very professional members of this yet unrecognized guild, who had predicted within thirty three minutes of each other the Windstorm of Windsor, a rather turbulent series of events that led to the departure of the town’s blacksmith and military knave, Sir Charles Montenberry, who’s first name was Surr, and was misunderstood by the lower classes as a title of stature.It was his departure from Windsor that prompted the sale of his horse, a rather unspectacular half breed named Lumpy, who as his name implied, was not very loved for his quickness.Lumpy, had no significant heritage or history to speak of, but was often mistaken for French, in that the English were very keen to associate any beast of burden with their lazily perceived brethren of the East.No one could say for sure when Lumpy was also mistaken for wine, but the town records do point to another climate challenged day where the rain came down so hard and fast that local boats were used to ferry the townsfolk from their homes to their public houses.It was on this occasion that Samueletta was in town to meet the two button hole aficionados, who were understandably waiting for their boss with smiles on their faces.Because the roads were completely impassable, Samueletta hopped aboard a boat that seemed somewhat familiar in its mooring.Upon further investigation, she came across its register which had a captain’s log containing the story of one Samuel Etta, an orphan boy who had been at sea for twelve years and forced to wear a mop on his scalp to protect him from the Spanish scum terrorizing the high seas.This random discovery led to poor Samueletta’s identity crisis, and seeing how a local horse was being confused as Normandy Wine, he/she thought that a quick path to normalcy would be to associate him/herself with old Lumpy and make a new go of life.This is the story that Shakespeare’s mother wanted him to write for her birthday.William declined on religious grounds.